Are you and your partner experiencing problems and you want to get to the bottom of why? Are you considering some kind of couples coaching?
Your key to success is to look beyond the problems you are having because your answers are not where you think they are, and this is why couples arguments go round and round in circles as they try to fix the wrong thing.
Many couples I see tell me that they have been to a counsellor with a specific problem and the counsellor has tried to help them fix that problem hoping that this will change how the couple feels about each other.
Many couples I see have been through that frustrating process and it gives them further proof that they have no hope even with a professional helping them. They feel that the only solution is to end the relationship.
Has this happened to you or are you in this process?
The problem that is being presented in the couples lives is always a symptom of their real problems and so fixing this never gets to the truth of whatâ€˜s causing their conflict or fears.
The place to look to for a solution to the couples problems is in the core needs and values of the individuals, and their map of what a relationship is, and how it should be in their mind.
If there is a mismatch in needs, values and their circumstances / behaviours then the couple will be unhappy and one or both people in the couple will start to search for more problems in the relationship as they become protective and fearful of their own future with their partner.
The problems the couples face or bring to sessions is the problems they have found after they feel fearful for their future together and so they test the relationship to make sure they have the right partner.
So for example a woman could be testing a man without him knowing.
If he does not pick up his clothes after he has been asked to, then this means he does not listen to her, and so she feels insignificant to him, therefore he cannot be trusted to give her what she needs and this rocks her security with him.
Their arguments in this case would be about her constant nagging him and his lack of respect or appreciation for her and what she does in the house.
The reality has nothing to do with the clothes, what she fears is a lack of security and so she feels unsafe with him and as he fights with her all she can see is a future full of fear that just maybe she is not enough for him.
We could train him to pick-up his clothes, but because that test was created from another fear within her â€œa lack of securityâ€ all she would do is create another test.
If in the example above we discovered what had made her feel insecure with him and what actions he could take to help her feel more secure then we are on the road to a happier future.
Once the coupe discover whatâ€™s missing, filling that gap become easy and so their fears for the future are removed and the couple are happy again.