“You are our last chance” This is a common message I hear from couples who have tried everything without success and are starting to see divorce as a very real option.
Without the right kind of help, divorce is highly likely for these couples. They need a safe and compelling way to step into the future in a way that is nothing like their past experience.
What they don’t want is to dwell on the past and relive what brought them to where they are today.
What they need is relief and hope that has substance and solid actions they can take today.
As I see it, most couples in this place are not here because they are incompatible; they are here because they have not understood the fundamentals.
You see, their pain and suffering are directly connected to the dynamic they have created together.
This is the problem: each person does not see their part in the dynamic they dislike being a part of.
The beauty of living a life with another person is that they are different and will bring something different to the table.
Being with someone very different to us has many benefits.
Opposing energies are the foundation of attraction, so the difference must be embraced if the couple is to survive.
However, isn’t it interesting that when someone behaves differently from what we expect, we tend to make them wrong?
Is different wrong, or is it just different?
One of the basics of a successful marriage is the understanding that our partners are nothing like us.
When we get frustrated at our partners’ behaviours, what we see as wrong to us might just be perfectly normal to them.
Thinking that we see the world the same and think the same is impossible. So, this thinking has to change if we are to stand a chance of success.
Men tell me in their droves they can’t understand why their wives don’t seem interested in helping them fix their disconnect.
He might say nothing I do works.
What he does not see is that the way he wants to fix a problem is not going to help her, so he needs to learn her method of approaching emotional disconnects.
His problem is if she doesn’t respond well to his attempts, he makes her wrong and can become frustrated with her.
The way she approaches her problems is very normal to her, but a man with no relationship training will always see her behaviour as destructive.
You see, men do not naturally understand. I know many women wish they did, but they also have the same problem too.
I remember one lady who decided to battle me on this point. She was convinced her husband understood her naturally.
She said that from the start of the relationship, whenever I got upset, he would sit with me and care for me until I came around. He did this for years, and then, one day, he just stopped.
I had to tell her he did this for you with a constant hope that these situations would someday stop. They didn’t stop, and so he saw this as a sign he was failing in the marriage.
So, while for you, this was years of touching moments of love, care, and connection, for him, it was an ongoing sign of stress and failure that, in the end, became too much to bear.
So he had to switch off to protect himself. Both people had set up assumptions and expectations in a way that turned their marriage into a ticking time bomb.
This is why setting up the couple’s dynamic for success is so important.
If couples are not prepared to embrace many of these differences as normal, then the team environment they crave will always be replaced by the battlefield they keep ending up in.
The problem for so many is these critical differences. Many are totally unaware they even exist.
A woman may tell me her husband doesn’t have empathy; what she is missing is empathy, which can only come from understanding.
He has never been a girl, and more importantly, he has never been her. So, there is no way he can share her emotional experience.
To compound the problem, her lack of understanding about how he experiences the world differently from her will lead her to lack empathy for him too.
Conclusion
It’s not until couples can start to understand how to connect to these fundamental differences that any meaningful connection can happen.
The couple who refuse to accept these differences will forever be in some kind of battle.
The ones who embrace their differences as normal will be in the right place to start the process of building a foundation from which their marriage can grow.
The greatest skill anyone can possess is to see the world from their partner’s perspective.
Only then can you be of emotional value to them. The process is to swap judgment for curiosity.
Once you accept these differences, you can truly start the process of understanding by learning how to comprehend correctly what your partner means and intends when they speak or take action.
Remember, what is potentially okay and harmless for one person can devastate another.
This means the loveliest people can do the most hideous things to each other without understanding their true impact.
Step one is to appreciate your partner’s world so they can remain connected to you.
The most critical moment to achieve this level of connection is when pressure is on. When a couple experiences conflict and it builds more connection as a result, the conflicts become less threatening, and a deep layer of trust is built over time.
Understanding this essential first basic skill will lead couples to the next critical skill.
One of the skills on the journey is to free your partner to be all of who they really are when they are with you. The reason this is so important is because if I can’t be “me” when I’m with you, then I can’t be with you.
A lot of problems that couples face have simple solutions once you break them down into easy steps.
Let’s look at one. Someone might be giving up, when they feel their relationship is at its end and tell me, “It’s so sad!” What they don’t see is SADNESS is an indicator that they ran out of choices based on their limited knowledge.
Give them more knowledge, which will open up their ability to see more choices and ability to see new ways to approach the same challenges.
They end up enlightened and empowered.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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