Each Sunday I like to provide something different about our lives and our experiences to help you take a new perspective on your life.
Today is about the power of a persons focus and their emotional bias it can create.
An emotional bias is created when a persons focus and energy is anchored in a way that only wants to see that one perspective.
Someone in an affair for example will be unaware they are in a highly addictive chemical bias where their affair partner is all they think about so logic and consequences has no impact on their actions.
A person who is stuck is in a different type of emotional bias as they will always have an argument for both sides and this keeps them stuck.
Their emotional mission is to stay stuck regardless of what they consciously say.
They feel staying stuck is safer, however the person will shift once they see that no action is becoming harmful to them.
The person who marries sends cards and letters of love for years and then tells their partner they never loved them from day one as they leave them.
This person is in a bias that fits with their new motivation to leave.
People that are looking for a way out of a relationship will rewrite the story to fit their plan to exit.
They can even blame themselves and make it all their fault.
They have the ability to focus only on everything that is bad about the relationship and delete everything that is good.
The bias isn’t interested in truth or facts just the goal.
Which brain are people using for their bias?
Without making this too complicated, if one brain is a fast-acting, pleasure-seeking, aggressively protective brain, and the other is the brain that is slower balanced brain.
The slower brain that would assess all the data intelligently if it was given a chance.
Which brain is the person using to create their bias.
You see depending on which brain is used the bias will change and this creates a focus that builds a hidden pattern if practiced enough is powerful enough to make a bias feel like a fact.
Your focus gives your thoughts energy
What people are not seeing is their focus is creating their perception of their truth, their bias.
For example
If a person creates a pattern of focusing on self-protection in their marriage then naturally they will start to experience a constant need to protect themselves and this will become their pattern and now their truth.
Self-protection bias helps the person to feel very differently about their partner because it’s impossible to love someone you have to protect yourself from.
If the person would have seen that self-protection was not required because they had misunderstood their partners’ actions.
It means their focus would have changed their attachment pattern and so their emotional experience would then allow love in.
This meant the connection the love and the sexual connection would have been far easier to experience and sustain.
A persons focus has immense power.
What kind of life does the person have who is in an emotional bias that means they can’t trust anyone?
Look at this example below, whats the difference between these two people with a simple shift of focus of needs.
- One person is looking for a love that is a certain love.
- The other is using love as a primary means to create more certainty.
Person 1. is driven by a focus on fear, person 2. is focused on what they value and want to become and experience.
Two needs “Love” and “certainty” but the way the person focuses their energy creates a totally different life, outcome and experience.
Far too many people live that life due to not understanding how to create a safe relationship to be in.
He totally changed personality
So many people come to me saying they don’t recognise their partner, the normal loving giving person has become selfish and self-obsessed.
It’s like their partner had totally changed overnight.
Obviously this is shocking to experience but a persons bias and focus is at play here too.
Lets say a person anchors their focus on not being honest about what they need sexually as a means to protect themselves and the relationship.
It’s common for people to not share their true sexual desires for fear of being judged or not loved.
So they hold back until one day that part takes over and is now that persons primary driver to the cost of every other part that’s important to them.
I remember one gentleman who was behaving in very destructive ways to himself, and his wife and family.
I asked him if I had permission to speak to the father of his children within him, his shift of energy was very noticeable.
It was like a different man looking at me.
I wanted this part of his identity to come forward and have a voice.
I wanted the father identity to give me his perspective on the actions of this other part that had taken over.
That was the moment he could start to come out of his bias and see the impact.
Another example:
A person has spent their life pleasing their partner feeling trapped but not being honest about how they really feel.
They have spent years locking who they really were away so they don’t rock the boat.
One day the a build-up of resentment was triggered by a moment of freedom when out experiencing a new hobby.
It was powerful enough to bring their true feelings and true-self out of hiding.
Now the person is pleasing themselves, doing what they want to do when they want to do it, “and no one can stop me”!
Many people in this emotional bias do leave their partner in search of new adventures.
This kind of focus can also be triggered by near death experiences as now their last days on this earth have to count and they get rid of what they see is in the way.
The last story of emotional bias.
I was in a session with a gentleman.
I had a white board that I had turned away from him so he couldn’t see what I was writing.
I wrote one question for him.
I helped him to connect to one of his identities and asked him the question on the board.
I wrote down his answer.
I then helped him connect to another identity within him and asked him the same question again.
He gave me a totally different answer within the space of a few minutes.
I wrote both answers down and turned the board so he could see what had happened and he was totally shocked at such different perspectives.
It’s these kind of challenges that can lead a person to an internal battle that then affects the way they show up in their own life with others.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program