So this gentleman came to me upset and confused. What has happened to my marriage? What’s made her so unhappy, and why is she now speaking about leaving me?
He said, “We seemed to be fine we’ve had a great marriage ups and downs like most couples, but this is normal, isn’t it?”
“How did we get here, I thought this happened to other people, not us…”
He went on “I’m a simple man with simple needs I really don’t need that much to be happy.
I agreed with him “…., but one simple thing you want is for her to be happy, is that right?”
He agreed. “That’s why I spent so much time building the business, so she didn’t want for anything.”
I agreed with him that the money was important but.
“For your wife, there was something far more valuable than money, and she has lived a life without it.”
“You see she is very different to you so to help her to be happy you must understand her world and how she experiences it.”
“If you don’t have this critical knowledge, her feelings and emotional responses won’t make sense to you. You won’t respond in the way she needs, and this will result in her feeling she doesn’t matter to you.”
“You need to know she translates your conversations and your actions very differently to you so where you think you’re helping her or loving her, all she feels is isolation, disconnection and over time this pain has turned into her suffering.”
“Because you have not understood this, you are facing a bigger complication.”
“She has had to look after her own emotional needs because she knows that you won’t, which is where you are today.”
“The fact you do care is not going to help you with her today because her mind has felt for years that you don’t care and in relationships perception is everything.
“So I know you do care, but she is not connected to your actions.”
“You can’t tell her, you know I love you because she won’t feel it. You can’t tell her we’ve had a great marriage because she cannot agree because of how she’s been feeling in it. You can’t tell her it will be okay because she doesn’t know anymore, she’s lost.”
“To be fair to you, most men would not see this either. I know your wife has tried to get through to you to share her struggles, but it’s very common for men not to understand what his wife is trying to say. In so many cases, he doesn’t understand the gravity of her words, and so he lets them go unaware of what will eventually happen to their connection/marriage.”
“If you want to connect to your wife and save your marriage, you must make it your mission to learn how she works and why she behaves the way she does.”
“Your wife is the most precious thing you’ll ever have in your life, and so you must connect to what’s important to her.”
“This woman is in pain and is suffering and has been for years; she cannot connect to who she needs to be within her so from this uncomfortable and exhausting place she can’t love you.”
“Her pain through all these years has always been she can’t love you the way she wants.”
“In her heart, she does remember your love, but the suffering has gone on for too long, and now she questions you herself and the marriage.”
“She is asking for space to collect her thoughts, but she needs to know what she has really lost is her connection to being a wife because being a wife became a place that was far too vulnerable so this is why she’s lived for so long as a mum.”
“But being a mum won’t work anymore because the children are about to leave home and mum is no longer needed.
“She knows she can be a great mum, she has a lovely time with her friends and family, but she doesn’t like who she is when she is with you.”
“So if you want to win this woman back she needs your help to get back to who she really wants to be.”
“Do you want to fight for her?”
“Yes, I do” he responded, “tell me what to do!”
So many men do not know how to hear their wives cry for help. When she is struggling her words and actions, don’t make sense to so many men and so what she really needs never happens and she assumes he doesn’t care.
So many couples are in this kind of disconnect, and so good marriages are needlessly dying.
This man discovered the help he needed to understand his wife and why his marriage had died and what he could do to give them both the best chance of learning the truth about their marriage and it’s future potential.