The solution for any couple in crisis is always connected to understanding a number of critical influencing factors.
The complexity in the couples solution is not just about understanding these core factors, but is in understanding the relationship between them all.
Each one will influence the other so fixing just one part will not be enough to help the couple reconnect.
The relationship between these critical factors has a profound effect on how a person experiences their world and what their partner is doing so it’s important to understand.
Perception is not truth
Many people are thinking that their perception is the truth, they see their truth as a fact.
In any situation there are many truths and when connecting to the wrong truth or a disempowering truth the result can lead a person to the wrong conclusions and actions.
It’s why so many regret their divorce decision.
Each couple does not have just one core problem, so their solution sits in the development of rebuilding a healthy connection between each of these factors so the couple can successfully reconnect.
Naturally most couples won’t know what these factors are, but they are foundations needed for life long connection so are important to learn.
The goal is to take the couple from their lack of knowledge of these foundational factors and their disconnection to an state of understanding, empowerment and influence.
Strategy is everything
So what does the person have to focus on first that will create a safe platform for them to move forward to the next stage?
Understanding this first step and the order of steps is critical because the right tool in the wrong order can create even more disconnect.
More conflict is not their answer
I used to work in a place where couples would arrive and I could hear through the walls them arguing with each other whilst their professional help did their best to calm proceedings.
This would not be growth for that couple because each person is not educated to hear the meanings behind each others words, so that process is destructive for them.
They are essentially cramming years of upset into one hour and sharing it, this would leave many with an upsetting and distorted experience.
Obviously it is important for couples to share their concerns and their needs with each other, but at what point in the process and with what structure?
Until they can trust themselves to hear their partners words correctly they will not be in the right emotional space to be interested in listening to their partner needs compassionately?
A typical perspective is until I’m are convinced you have my back and care about me, why on earth would I be interested in you and your needs?
Strategy starts with shifting the mindset
If the couple doesn’t go through a shift of mindset to understand what they are really dealing with before they engage each other all you will get is more conflict and more misunderstandings.
This “me” focused what about what you did conflict, only takes them into more proof they are incompatible and so is therefore destructive and must be avoided.
I ask most of the couples I agree to work with whilst they wait to join the program to stop trying to fix their problems and stop trying to get through to your partner.
The reason I ask this is because…
Firstly most people try to fix the wrong problem so their connection naturally it gets worse.
Secondly your partner has no idea how to hear what you are trying to say and why.
It’s why you are going round in circles.
To compound the challenge if you are both resentful this will block not just the couples connection, but the individuals connection to themselves when the couple is together.
I don’t start a process with the couple.
They are unaware at the start of what’s going to support themselves and what they are both capable of achieving.
The couple have to be helped to understand the multiple influencing factors in their unique situation and how each impacts the other.
They must learn how to understand their own emotions and emotional states so they are back in the driving seat as many loose connection with themselves as the relationship crisis escalates.
This is an empowerment process that enables them to learn how to never lose connection with themselves again.
Secondly each person has to understand how to effectively translate what their partner is saying and doing and why.
Thirdly the couple have to understand how to bring this all together in simple steps to rediscover their connection.
Couples deserve a better chance
It’s important that couples understand in most cases the reason they are disconnected is not because they are incompatible it’s most likely due to a lack of understanding.
Keeping connected to ourselves and each other whilst maintaining passion and excitement is challenging for anyone.
No one naturally knows this stuff and nature isn’t interested in our life long happiness and passionate connections.
Nature is interested in the survival of each species, happiness is our responsibility.
Of course some couples are not right for each other, but does a couple risk trusting their own reactive survival thinking during their crisis?
The thinking that agreed to be together and then created their disconnect or do they find out their truth this time with the right information?
My advice is to slow down and don’t be seduced by the reactive brain, it can get you into trouble.
Education and strategy is the answer.
A tiny percentage of couples naturally know how to stay connected for life, but with so with so much at stake and with such little know how, doesn’t it make sense to discover what you are both struggling to see?
There is a lot to understand, but once that new understanding is part of your thinking new healthier patterns can form.
Then life together for many can become easy, as it should be.
