So I was working with this lady last year, and they were entering the early stages of marital crisis. I asked her this question to get to the bottom of their problems
“Who are you?”
It’s always a question that stops the person in their tracks.
I usually get an awkward “Oh god, I don’t know!”
As we expanded on what the question meant and how she could answer it.
Part of our discussion took us into masculine and feminine energies as part of understanding her identity as a wife.
This area is confusing for many couples to understand; it’s one of the hidden problems that cripples a couple’s connection, and they are not aware of what’s causing it.
I was interested in where she thought her home was. Was she naturally masculine or feminine?
She told me something interesting that I have heard a lot, and I wanted to share it with you.
Depending on which energy she is in, she sees and treats her husband differently.
For example, when she is in her masculine energy, she treats him like a child and is quite picky with him.
When she is in her feminine energy, she sees him as strong, protective, and attractive, but that feeling has become less and less and is why they called me.
Both were getting fed up with each other.
She said she had never thought about this like this before, but this shift of perception of him is true, “how weird”, she replied.
Obviously, this is going to confuse your husband, so you both need to understand this.
They lost their attraction dynamic
“So, how would you define what’s important to you as a wife?” I asked
She said she valued connection, love, beauty, creativity, passion, playfulness, fun, confidence, and a sense of belonging.
Who are you when you become those energies around your husband?
“Feminine”, she replied.
I then said, “So when you are not committed to these important words, such as when you are treating your husband like he is five, who are you then”?
“I’m asking because it seems you disconnect from what you say is important to you as a relationship partner, and then you don’t like how you feel, and when you do it”?
“Do you think at times you are attaching these bad feelings to him? Do you resent him at times for those feelings”?
“I hate seeing him that way, it frightens me, I’m not sure what it means!” She was now looking confused.
“You and your husband need to understand this because there is a constant energy shift in your marriage and neither of you is seeing it or knows what to do with it”.
“So you are shifting from seeing him as attractive and then not”.
“If you could both harness this energy, firstly, it would stop you both worrying and becoming confused.
Secondly, it would help your husband become a warm, powerful energy for you; he would enjoy that.
Plus, you will be free to become all of who you are, living happily in the masculine and feminine when it suits you.
Helping couples reset their attraction dynamic also helps them build more security.
Loss of attraction and any fear-based energies are detrimental to relationships because they hinder the relationship from growing.
The husband didn’t understand what was happening to his wife and was sick of her treating him like he was a child.
He didn’t understand what this meant, and so instead of bringing what would help, he retreated or became upset at her.
Neither person felt good, and this had become a strain.
This is a common problem for couples, but it is hard to understand without help.
In essence, it means many couples are living in the wrong energy and attraction, and feeling good is a struggle.
Many try to fix these types of problems by doing practical stuff for each other, but all it does is make it worse, as it’s missing the important emotional triggers.
One couple sought professional help, and the professional suggested they hold hands more often as part of their reconnection solution.
They shared this with me during one of their sessions, explaining what they had tried that had not worked for them.
This solution would have felt odd for that couple because they are both in the wrong energy to accept the intimacy of holding hands.
Without switching this energy, like the lady in the first story, they would not have felt the attraction they needed, and so holding hands would have felt odd.
Every couple and every person is, of course, different.
I remember one couple were having problems in this area, and I asked the husband how he would describe his wife.
He said she was like a strong Ox. For him, she was his rock.
The moment those words left his mouth, she was in tears; that was not how she wanted to be seen at all.
She wanted him to be the strong Ox.
You must know your attraction dynamic, or you’ll end up losing attraction energy.
My final point is that couples everywhere are losing this energy, and they often don’t know why, which can be at the root of a lot of upset.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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