Couples can arrive at my sessions in London in very distressed states. They arrive with the view that this is their last attempt at fixing their relationship, so the pressure is on. Many couples have already filed for divorce and have put houses on the market. So when they arrive it can seem that there is little hope of helping them fix their relationship.
The couple can then leave the session in shock that through an understanding that is totally different to the one they entered the room with they start to see how their relationship can work.
So in one session the relationship takes a massive u-turn. These session are intensive and 2 hours in length, but the couple learn the core basics of what it takes to really make a relationship work, they learn to take responsibility, remove blame and judgment. They discover how to lay down their weapons, such as withholding love and controlling behaviour.
They learn how to really understand each other and understand more about each others critical needs in a totally new way.
What I have noticed as a Relationship Educator is there is a pattern that works faster than others.
If the couple both have a desire to fix the relationship, but they just don’t know how, this makes the process much faster. A couple that has one person wanting to get out and the other wanting to save the relationship can work, but takes a little longer.
So my advice seek help before one of you gets so convinced your relationship will never work. Time is not on the couples side if things start to go wrong as both people start to get more and more proof that maybe the relationship is the wrong one and they have made a mistake.
So if your relationship is in trouble do something NOW don’t wait!
Couples that fix their relationship quickly
Once the core basics of how relationships work has been communicated the turning point comes when the man discovers how he can meet his partner needs whilst fulfilling his own. I ask the man to look after her first because the greatest power sits in him to rebuild the trust and create security. She has power too but usually she is so scared she has become masculine strong and disconnected. If he can break through this she can shift really fast. Nine time out of ten all she really wants is to be loved regardless of what he thinks.
This is critical, because this is the turning point where trust gets rebuilt.
The mans job is to look after his family and his wife’s emotional needs. In most cases he has always wanted to do this, he may have thought money is how to do this, but starts to see that money is not the solution (it never was), so he has no idea how to please her so he starts to feel like a failure. He could have without knowing modeled his father, or learnt how to be a man from his mother, both mum and dad could be just as lost as he feels today.
Staying married is not the sign of a successful relationship. Successful relationships are about passion and giving not about selfish behaviours, taking and fear.
The men that embrace their role as someone who is there to serve and protect his partner and takes the steps to help her, these are the ones that turn their relationships around fast.
The ones that fail are the men that struggle to do this. These men will then go to fear.
The result can be the female gets stronger, seemingly more confident, disconnected from him, his weak behaviour helps her to need him less and so he can then become needy, want to control the relationship, using sex, money or children. She sees the need to control as a weakness because she knows he is fearful and this is not attractive.
He can then use coping strategies such as working longer hours and drinking.
All of these behaviours in him are because he is fearful. In this place the relationship is all about him and it’s really only a matter of time before she snaps, because she will.
So where you as a couple today.
- Are you both struggling to get your relationship working, but you both really want it back?
- Is your man bullying or controlling or shutting down? – All fear responses unattractive to females!
- Are you a man in a relationship lost with what to do and now drink is your best friend? –
- Is your wife always upset with you, crying, shouting or even quiet? All signs that there is a problem and she needs love!
- Whatever your situation know that if you don’t take responsibility then you are choosing failure.
So men I call upon you to learn how to be men in your relationships, she wants a man and at the moment she wants that man to be YOU…