Losing trust in someone is what resentments will do to a person, especially when those resentments are stacked over time.
It blocks them from wanting to hear what their partner is saying.
“Blah Blah Blah, you want me to change and you want me to listen, you want me to do it your way, but what about what you did..?”
Resentments cloud judgement, resentments shift emotional patterns, they change short-term feelings, they change memories so they can rewrite history.
This can help people to destroy the very things they want to keep or love.
This is why putting a couple in a room to listen to each other’s problems is not a good idea until they are both helped to be ready, minus the resentments – This is why strategy is everything when helping couples out of a crisis.
They think they have a marriage problem but…
The resentful person is usually under the impression they have a marriage problem and they probably want to escape on some level.
What they are totally unaware of is due to their ongoing disconnect what’s been evolving is a relationship with themselves problem.
They have lost connection with themselves some may say “I don’t like who I become when I’m around you!”
They have created a version of themselves that even they don’t like, but they will usually blame their partner which results in this self-destructive model of making others responsible for how they feel.
No responsibility = No response ability = no ability to respond.
So by having no ability to respond they give their problem to others essentially they give them the power to make them happy or not – it’s no wonder they are so resentful.
Who puts their happiness in someone else’s hands?
The irony is it’s the people that need to control others, who are the ones giving away the control without knowing.
So the problem is this…
This change in them is NOT the identity that will keep this person safe.
It won’t keep a person safe because holding onto and stacking resentments only hurts that person.
It’s like drinking the poison and hoping others will die.
They won’t make safe decisions only reactive ones (reactive = out of control).
I am unusually seeing at least one person a month who has deeply regretted a life-changing decision through not understanding themselves or this process they were in well enough.
They wake up, regret and are now in the fight of their life
Now they are in the fight of their life as they have rediscovered their true identity again – it’s like an awakening has been ignited based on their loss.
In this new identity they would never have let their partner go – “…what was I thinking?”
- Partners that have been sexually dead in the relationship wake to a ferocious sexual desire.
- Others who sat in front of the TV every night now want new adventures.
- They are hungry to learn how to be better.
- They are more patient
- More loving
- They want to listen.
- These people are now hungry to connect!
The key is to take action before the ill-thought-out decisions and regret set in.
So to help them see the reality of their relationship they must build a relationship with themselves where they can trust themselves to be themselves.
Too many people have lost connection with themselves and are simply lost and afraid, some wondering if they can actually trust themselves.
For many, it’s easier not to trust – and if other people are always the problem, why do I need to get the help?
Their thinking is trying to avoid vulnerability, but the result of this focus is damaging for this person because they don’t learn anything, they never grow, so there’s never any progress.
More irony: This person has created a process that actually makes them more vulnerable.
So I have to wake clients up to look at themselves before they launch into an emotional assassination of their partner and hurt themselves.
I have to shift people out of their resentments so they can see the truth.
The way I see it is lovely people are hurting each other because they are not understanding what to do, they lose connection with themselves and someone is to blame.
So NEVER make fear a driving force to make life-changing decisions, because no one ever ends up liking the result.