There are so many situations where I have to stop a person’s behaviours towards their partner – the story you are about to read about this lady who fell into a common trap.
It’s common that a person’s intent is to save the relationship, and yet they are consistently helping their partner to leave them, and they are totally unaware of the cliff they are running towards.
Both men and women do this and have no idea because they believe their thinking is the only way to see a situation, and this belief will hurt them as it did for this lady.
Both men and women are usually so disconnected from understanding each other’s thinking that in their mind, what they are doing will help their partner see things their way.
This disconnect is why the relationship hasn’t worked, but under stress, their behaviour will become devastatingly destructive.
I have to point out to them that what they are doing will actually help their partner to leave you faster.
I remember this one couple who had a number of years of disconnect.
Neither person was happy, and yet, with a young family, they struggled with what to do to help themselves.
He was getting his needs met through his job, and she was absorbed in her kids, so the relationship was starting to die.
He realised that she was becoming resentful of his career, but it was the only place he felt good about himself, so he was compelled to stay longer and take on more.
More work meant more money, so he was doing his part – well, in his mind, he was!
So every time he came home, she complained about his long hours and him being away so often.
As they went to bed, she saw this opportunity to share her upset. This would keep them up for hours as neither person knew how to deal with this – it just left them both exhausted and resentful.
She felt like she was a single mother, responsible for kids and the house on her own.
In his mind, her mindset was very negative around him, picking on him and the smallest things he did wrong.
He didn’t say anything, but he was quietly starting to attach feeling bad to her.
Some men do this. They won’t want to rock the boat until they are ready to show their true feelings.
In the end, he had one final lack of appreciation from her (the straw that broke the camel’s back) and no clear way to be successful with her; he saw a clear future of misery, so he told her he wanted a divorce.
She absolutely didn’t want a divorce. She wanted a husband who cared about her. She felt alone, unloved and abandoned.
So, the moment he asked for a divorce through fear, the same behaviour got worse.
When I spoke to her, I had to open her eyes to his world.
I told her that I totally understood the pain and fear she was in, but she had to change her approach if she wanted to save her marriage.
I told her I knew she had spent the last eighteen months trying to wake him up to the pain and suffering she was going through.
I knew she was suffering.
I had to explain to her that the way she had approached him was actually making him want to leave her.
“You were not waking him up; you were helping him leave you!” She looked shocked.
Your energy with him was not making him want to care for you and protect you. It was making him want to protect himself from you.
Now, he is at the end of the road with this relationship, and you are now escalating the very behaviour that made him want to go in the first place.
All you are doing is proving to him that leaving you is the right decision.
I know your intent, and you don’t want him to leave.
This is the problem: you are using behaviours to make sure he doesn’t go, but you have never understood why they have never worked.
Secondly, you are missing the fact he may still be physically in the home, but emotionally he has left.
So, trying to stop a person from leaving who has already left is like closing the gate after the horse has bolted.
All you are doing is making sure he understands that coming back is not a good idea – is this what you want?
“Of course not!” she cried
Until you understand the real mission, you will always fail with him.
The real mission isn’t to stop him from leaving you; the real mission is to find a way to attract him back.
He currently has a profile of who you are based on how you have behaved with him over the past eighteen months.
You have consistently presented the worst version of yourself to him in your quest to make the relationship better.
This is totally the wrong way to help him love you and support you.
This is not the way to get the best out of him.
When you kick a man each time it happens, he will detach little by little from you no matter how much he loves you.
So you’ll need a better way to help him firstly understand who you really are and help him feel he can be safe, happy and most importantly, successful with you.
He wants to be your hero, and instead of helping him achieve this status, you have killed this dream in him.
Did you know he has no idea how to help you? You must teach him how to be successful with you.
You cannot blame him for not knowing and kick him when he doesn’t meet an expectation he is blind to.
You have simply proved he has no chance of achieving this “hero” status as every day you have proved he is a failure for you.
Said, “I had no idea I was so wrapped up in my own feelings I didn’t see how he was feeling – I feel terrible!”
So, are you ready to make a difference and see if it’s possible to undo what’s happened and win your husband back?
Now calmer, she said, “Totally, I am!”