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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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“I love you – but I’m not in love with you?”

For the person on the receiving end of this statement it’s both upsetting and confusing. So what does this mean and can the relationship recover or be rebuilt from this position.

The first question is what does this really mean?

How I describe this sentence “I love you, but I’m not in love with you?”. The person saying this is accurately describing their feelings.

For example when they look back at their time together there was probably many moments that were filled with love.  When they met, their wedding, the birth of their children, some might connect with love because their partner was part of making our beautiful children.

This kind of historic love is different from active love. Active love has more desire, passion and romantic attachments.

Active is love, is a love I feel for you now, or a better term is “I’m IN love with you”.

IMPORTANT: Active love in a long-term relationship is a direct result of a strong emotional connection and a passion that naturally creates a security (compassion and kindness) that helps me to be free to be me when I’m with you.

This sentence above is critical to understand if you want a relationship to last. If you don’t know what you are doing it can feel so complex/impossible to attain and then master.

When people start new relationships the passion and desire and romantic energy is intoxicating, however it’s always going to be short lived if the couple are not aware of what is really creating it and then how to maintain it.

The key for couples who want their relationship to last is how to maintain a passion and a joy that solidifies and deepens, security that frees both people to be loved and accepted.

If you think and understand how our emotions are really created you will start to see how to win and breakthrough your relationship challenges.

Let’s go slightly deeper to understand what could be going on…

Your mind is the creator of all of your experiences good and bad.

So your mind is the creator of the love you feel. One key part of that love is the love you feel for someone when you are really free to be yourself with them.

When couples hit problems one of the core challenges we can see very clearly is both people don’t like what they have become in their marriage.

Someone that is filled with resentments and emotional pain is going to attach all those bad feelings to their partner. If this is their focus the people usually hold back emotionally through fear of being hurt.

So to feel good again they will use either their work, friends or family to reconnect to themselves.

So in translation: I don’t love how I feel about me, when I’m with you. So I feel I have to move away from you to feel good.

So a key element of helping someone back into a failing marriage is to help them feel safe to reconnect to themselves when they are with you.

This is a key objective, but not the only one.

Emotional disconnect / loss of love can take many forms and have many reasons.

  • Some people have had challenging pasts and this means a part of them lives on red alert ready to protect themselves.
  • Some people don’t feel safe to communicate their problems so they simply fall out of love and no one knows until they request a divorce.
  • Some couples are misunderstanding each other so much one person ends up shutting down because it feels impossible.
  • Some people are so disconnected to their own truth they are not aware they are destroying what they actually want to keep.

Whatever you are experiencing my advice is to find out the truth to your situation before you take live changing decisions.

I’m helping so many couples safely navigate this complex path of a loss of love. It takes a real understanding to help couples reconnect at this point.

Within the person feeling this loss of love, every part of them will simply want to get out – so it’s important to help this person understand fully whats really going on so they can make an intelligent decision for the rest of their lives.

I don’t agree people should stay to together for their children, but I also don’t agree just because your brain gives you a message ‘I don’t love him or her’,  you should blindly buy it, before you really understand it.

It’s important to add that loss of love is not necessarily a permanent state – loss of love for many people is a state of self protection practised over time. I have seen many couples that have lost love reconnect once they have understood what is really going on. Many couples even divorce and then fall back in love years later. The mind is very powerful so it’s key to use it wisely.

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

His marriage was over!

June 5, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

This man was in the depths of sadness, his marriage was over, but he didn’t want it to be. They had seen numerous counsellors who had all concluded the marriage was indeed over. He had lost all feelings for his wife. Due to being so stuck for so long, he had started an affair. But […]

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

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October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

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“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

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November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

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Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

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Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • His marriage was over!
  • “Needy and not needed!”
  • “Discover the No.1 Philosophy of Highly Effective Spouses: From Struggle to Success”
  • “Unveiling the Secrets: How I Mastered the Art of Resolving Relationship Issues”
  • 3 Foundations for a Healthy Marriage

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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