One of the common traits of marriages that don’t last is when the couple stops being a team that’s creating a purposeful and exciting life together.
Many have gone down the road of becoming more enemies in a battle than team members. So many couples stop creating and building and switch to finger-pointing, defending and blaming.
As I was thinking about today’s post and the concept of being a team, an embarrassing moment came to mind – I had an experience I will never forget.
I was on a team-building weekend. I was about 30 years old at the time.
There was a group of 18 of us, and we were split into three groups.
At the time we didn’t recognise what the organisers had done, they had put the creatives in one group and the analysts in another and everyone else in another.
We were given a problem to solve and instructions to help us solve it.
Within 10 minutes, the creatives had solved the problem I was in the creative group.
We were so proud of ourselves, and we stood back and began to laugh at the other two groups as they struggled to solve the problem
Thirty minutes had passed, and the analysts were still talking about the problem and were nowhere near taking any action – we found this concept hilarious.
The other team were just pulling it together; we struggle to understand what had taken them so long.
After 50 minutes everyone had completed the puzzle we stood the smug winners until…
The gentleman running the challenge turned to the creatives (group I was in) and told us off in front of the other two groups.
Slightly startled and embarrassed felt like I was five years old again.
He asked us why we thought it was a good team spirit to laugh and tease the other groups when a good team member would go over and help them.
Why put them down, why belittle them why not support them and help them.
Yes, why did it never cross our minds to go and help them, our skills set were clearly different and to be honest none of us would have made good analysts.
This message and the lesson that day stuck with me to this day and is so relatable to the couples who now seek my help.
So many people in a relationship don’t help their partners they become their partner’s judges just like we did on that team building event.
These couples, at some point, stopped being team members and over time became judgers or controllers.
Some become mind-readers who know exactly what their partner is thinking but actually don’t have a clue.
Some make wrong assumptions about their partner intentions create their own destructive messages and then blame their partner for what they are now thinking.
These couples don’t have each other backs. People who say they are loving and kind don’t become that with their partners they feel qualified to judge.
Couples in this place not only struggle to be a team day-to-day. They will have totally lost sight of why they are together.
Team members are in a team for a reason, to help each other towards a common goal.
So many couples don’t have that critical goal other than to get married, get a house, have some kids have a few holidays.
It’s little wonder why so many are lost and bored.
When you think about it, what really is the purpose of the relationship you are in today?
Relationships without purpose and excitement do struggle, and this struggle is magnified when the kids leave home or someone retires.
So being a team within a marriage has many focuses.
Make sure you are both part of being the best of yourselves when you are together. If your partner isn’t the best of themselves either find out why or help them.
You must be a team on all the challenges life creates. For example: If you are parents get on the same page with how you will help those children grow.
Become a team and design a future you are both excited by, or you might land somewhere you won’t like.
Learn together how each other thinks differently.
Far too many people don’t understand their partner behaviours, so they become their judge and try to make them the same as them.
Not many men want to be women or vise versa.
Becoming a team is critical, and creating purpose will keep your energy alive.
Bored directionless people just going through the daily grind will struggle to keep their passion for each other alive.
This is why so many people seek fulfilment and excitement outside their marriage.
Becoming a team and creating an exciting life together is part of what will help your relationship become bulletproof.
After all, great relationships are magnifiers of everything we value and want to become.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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