This is probably one of the best pieces of advice I was ever given and massively affected my life direction and my own marriage.
After all, it’s so much easier to change what you can control rather than try to change either what you can’t control, or try to change others that have no interest in changing.
I was also told that life is a series of lessons and if you learn what it’s teaching you can never fail, you’ll only learn and grow.
These two shifts of thought have the ability to help each person create a life that is the right one for you by putting you in the driving seat.
Using this advice is really useful for intimate relationships as I also discovered.
If you are reading this blog you’ll probably have a relationship problem of some kind.
It can help rebuild a damaged connection or it can help a person discover if the relationship they are in is right or wrong for them.
You can ask your partner to change and some may change for a while to pacify the situation, but if the change is not their idea or understood properly, they are not likely to maintain the change.
So the question isn’t can my partner change, the question is can I change myself to the point I can effectively influence my partner to want to be better for themselves and the relationship.
You see many people know how to trigger their partner to feel bad, the real skill is in the ability to trigger them to experience the emotions they want and attach those good feelings to you.
You see the the real skill of relationships is in our own ability to help our partner to feel so good about themselves they will naturally want to do anything for us.
The change in them then becomes their decision and one they are invested in.
You see love isn’t something you can demand or control, love is something someone gives for free, but it comes from a happy healthy heart.
If love has conditions attached then it isn’t love at all it’s a trade.
Healing someone heart after years of upset is a trust-building process and totally possible for those wanting to learn.
The key is for a relationship to change only one person has to make the change that puts us back in control.
One woman was itching to speak with me because she had spent 5 years trying to change her husband and within 4 weeks of me and him working together she started to see a very different man appear.
She experienced more connection, more care, more understanding she was feeling alignment and it was new.
She wanted to know how this had happened, she was baffled she had tried everything and had written the relationship off and was considering divorce.
IMPORTANT: He didn’t try to change her he wanted to become a more effective husband as he saw he was going to lose her.
By becoming a more effective husband she also started to naturally change too because she felt safe to become herself with him again.
In many cases changing just one person is all that’s needed.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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