Here is a typical situation, a couple is wanting help, but with very different goals. One person wants to fix the relationship no matter what and the other is unsure if it is worth it.
I agree that it is not right to save a relationship that is fundamentally wrong, the question is how do we find out if it is wrong before we agree parting is the best solution for that couple.
Some couples that come to see me should not be together I can see it quite quickly, but for the most the challenges they face is more about a lack of understanding than compatibility.
How I help these couples
To help a couple in this place we all need to agree we share a common goal. I like to take the pressure off the couple and make happiness their goal for themselves. I do this because they are both likely to be in fear and so very “me” focused. Happiness would always feel like a great goal.
This disarms the couple to be in a place to learn.
You see when the filter of experience is focused on their problems and fears, not being enough, not being loved etc. The chances of them learning how and why the relationship has failed is zero.
With the pressure off and knowing my intention is for the good for the individuals and not just on fixing the relationship. Both people learn that maybe there are critical pieces of information and understandings that were missing for them both.
New understandings bring fresh perspectives, on their relationships.
What this process does is help the couple to understand how they can easily meet each others needs whilst meeting their own. They discover how they can do this day-to-day and most importantly at the critical points of conflict.
Couples that have learnt this with me don’t take long to decide that their relationship is worth saving after all.
New commitments are made and growth and passion are now possible again.