Do you feel that you are in a constant power struggle with your partner? Is this wearing you out? Do you worry about what the future will look like if this continues?
Control takes many forms, not all control is bad. For example if a man is in control of his ability to passionately love his partner in the way she wants, then this is a form of control that benefits them both.
Control in the negative is usually based around a fear of some kind.
Control is a persons’ method of trying to rebalance their world so they feel ok, if this is based on fears such as losing love, or not feeling they are enough in some way, then emotions can run high and they will control to feel normal or get rid of their pain.
In essense the control is designed to help the person move away from what they fear most.
In extreme cases all the person can see or feel is their fear, it consumes them and they spend most of their time inside their heads running their problems over and over trying to find ways out of this pain.
So the person in pain feels out of control and they need a solution, they have no idea how to control themselves and how they are feeling, so this leads them to focus on controlling their outside world.
- This can include: Their partner – time – things – others!
Most people who are controlling actually have really good underlying intentions, but the results of their controlling can be catastrophic. No one likes being controlled and so if the person is trying to control the relationship to save it this is a great intention, but with the focus on the fear this only causes more problems.
The solution for controlling behaviour is this…
Help the person understand their behaviour is meeting their needs, but in a low level way that will hurt them and their underlying goals.
There is an immense level of power for all humans in the way they focus their minds one will create growth the other will destroy.
In sessions I help people use the power of focus to help them create the action that will create what they want most.
Simple examples:
- Will pulling love away make your partner love you more? NO!
- Will nagging your partner help them to want to meet your needs? No!
- Will ignoring your partner make their problems go away? No!
- Will putting them down or helping them feel bad make you more attractive to them? No!
- Will controlling the money help them to feel they are part of a team with you? No!
If you are going to control, the only control that works is creating the behaviours that help your partner meet their needs which means that you start to become an amazing partner and someone they would always want in their lives.
No one wants to leave a partner that is amazing for them.
In other words if your partner can feel amazing about themselves and they attach those amazing feelings to you, then you have the ability and confidence to be that amazing partner for them.
Confidence in being that partner is the key to success.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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