Have you noticed that many couples slip into this comfort zone that can sometimes look like the energy of siblings?
You still care.
You share values.
You’ve weathered storms.
You get along… most of the time.
So why don’t you want each other?
Why is the passion gone, even though the love remains?
Here’s the truth: most couples never realise until it’s too late:
You didn’t fall out of love. You fell into the wrong formula.
The “Just Friends” Formula
Most couples unintentionally build this:
Comfort = Emotional Safety + Familiarity + Shared History + Shared Values
It’s warm. Safe. Predictable.
And it’s perfect — if you want to feel like best friends or close siblings.
What it doesn’t create is desire.
There’s no:
- Surprise
- Erotic tension
- Flirtation
- Edge
- Aliveness
The “Just Friends” formula works great for emotional closeness.
But it fails miserably at creating attraction.
In fact, too many connections like this will kill attraction.
The Attraction Formula
Desire has a different equation. It’s not about comfort.
It’s about aliveness, contrast, and energy.
Attraction = (Mystery + Polarity + Admiration + Emotional Safety + Play) ÷ Familiarity Fatigue
Let’s break it down — deeply.
1. MYSTERY
Attraction dies when everything becomes known, predictable, and repeated.
Mystery isn’t about being secretive — it’s about always growing and evolving.
Your partner should never feel they’ve “seen it all.”
Mystery says: “There’s more of me you’ve yet to discover.”
2. POLARITY
This is the heartbeat of attraction — the tension between opposites.
Masculine and feminine energy. Structure and flow. Direction and expression.
You lose polarity when you both step into the same or reverse energy, often by default.
When both are in parent mode. Work mode. Problem-solving mode.
Polarity has the power to turn routine into seduction.
3. ADMIRATION
Love without respect feels flat.
You need to want who your partner is, not just love them out of duty or comfort.
Admiration is about emotional gravity.
It’s pride. It’s pull.
4. EMOTIONAL SAFETY
This is the foundation. Without it, everything else collapses.
But here’s the distinction:
In attraction, safety isn’t about comfort — it’s about freedom.
Freedom to express. To feel. To play. To be vulnerable and bold.
5. PLAY
You don’t need more serious talks. You need more play.
Play is the energy of attraction.
It’s unpredictable. Alive. Risky in the best way.
Play isn’t childish. It’s chemistry you can choose.
The Spark Killer is FAMILIARITY FATIGUE
You share everything. You know everything. You do everything together.
Familiarity kills tension.
And without tension, attraction can’t breathe.
Why You Feel Close… But Not Craved
You didn’t do anything wrong.
You just defaulted into a formula that creates emotional comfort, not erotic tension.
You didn’t fall out of love.
You fell out of mystery, polarity, admiration, and play.
Final Thought
A great marriage isn’t one that’s just full of love —
It’s one that still has longing.
And longing isn’t found in safety alone.
It’s found in mystery, tension, and emotional risk.
You don’t need a new partner.
You need a new pattern.
What you will probably see is that much of this was alive when you first met.
The problem is you have forgotten who you both were and have slipped into becoming a shadow of those people.
The key to attraction is passion. Passion is created; it doesn’t just happen.
For most, emotional security is in question due to behavioural confusion and the need to self-protect. This means that attraction collapses, and the need to become more familiar becomes the driver.
The absence of safety creates the need to be more familiar and better friends, so they stay stuck in a passionless cycle.
This is just another example of the many patterns couples get into without knowing.
Don’t forget the 5 day challenge goes live tomorrow.
Read more: Loss of love
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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