I was working with a couple, and the topic of motorbikes came up. This lady quickly commented that she wouldn’t let him have one! He sat sad and motionless looking down, saying nothing.
I smiled at her and said, “Is he five and are you his mum?”
One of the most important energies a relationship must create is the ability for both people to be free to be who they are so they can live the life they want to live.
The moment a persons’ energy is restricted in any way that person will start to lose connection with themselves and attach those bad feelings to their partner.
So many people turn up in my sessions totally lost. They don’t know who they are anymore. They don’t know how to trust their emotions, so they sit in a half-life paralysed unsure what to do next.
It’s critical for a couple to survive that their connection with themselves is healthy, connected and alive.
One lady wanted a tattoo, her husband said no. I asked him why he would try to stop her.
He said “Where would it stop? Drugs, alcohol, affairs?”
It’s very common for people to try to control their partners so they feel safe and loved, but just this process can change their connection negatively.
The reality is the moment there is any kind of negative control; it disconnects the person from who they really are, and when this happens, love can struggle to exist.
Freedom is a critical energy couples need to embrace because it means that trust and wanting the best for each other is at the core of their relationship.
If there is reduced trust and they want to stay together, one person will want to actively control their partner, and this usually creates a rebalance in the relationship of the controlled person becoming passively controlling as a result.
So imagine there is no trust and no freedom, and as a result, there is no love what direction will that couple eventually go?
This is one of the processes couples use to protect themselves from each other, which is the perfect process to kill passion and love.
I remember going to a chiropractor, and the women on reception said I know you, you’re that relationship guy.
She then went on to tell me how her relationship was perfect because she had her husband well trained.
Couples must be careful, if one person for a quiet life rolls over and always does things their partners’ way what’s the cost?
It is so important that people in relationships have passions and dreams, and both people embrace each others dream life.
Authentic lasting passion in relationships comes from not needing to focus on security and their fears. Security in a relationship only works when it comes from what connects two people with themselves minus their fears.
A focus on security, protection and trust will strangle and kill their love and passion.
What creates true love and lasting passion is the freedom in both people to be connected to an energy in themselves that magnifies everything that makes them both happy.
Individuals in relationships need to love how they feel about themselves when they are with each other.
So they must find a way to learn how love, passion, fun, adventure, freedom, humour, joy, growth, and everything they personally value is what actually creates the foundation of security and protection.
This skill is exactly what I empower my clients to learn how to do.
So many people have been through life challenges that naturally test their ability to trust their partner but not trusting them is not the answer.
Not trusting someone has never created more passion within both people.
They must understand the truth of their disconnect because if it’s not understood properly the couple can reduce their trust in each other resulting in a reduced desire to contribute to each other and this can lead to a damaging needs deficit.
A needs deficit is where two people are starting to meet their core needs outside of the marriage, so the need for being married becomes less and less.
So as you can see as couples struggle with each other, their need for security-based energies rises, and this naturally kills their passion for each other and their life together.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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