With passion, attraction and sexual energy being the life blood of any intimate relationship it’s critical that a couple understands how to keep this side of their relationship alive whilst knowing the hidden pitfalls that can kill it dead.
Many people, men and women complain their relationship has become passionless or loveless. They are experiencing either the passion dying over time, or one person has simply lost attraction for their partner.
This loss of passion and attraction is likely to be happening for a very good reason, but the couple will usually be unaware of what’s happening before it’s too late.
Of course every relationship is different, so I’m going to share with you some of the most common reasons I see in my sessions.
If I was to summarise it simply, this is what I see. When a person in a relationship feels that they have to protect themselves from their partner, if repeated the relationship moves into a security focused relationship and so naturally moves them away from love passion and attraction.
IMPORTANT: You see it’s so difficult to keep passion alive when a person feels they have to protect themselves from their partner, the person who is supposed to love them.
How and why they protect themselves is wide and varied so here are some examples
The most obvious one we can all relate to is when a couple fall foul of an affair. One person instantly moves into protection from such a devastating betrayal of trust.
So what other protective behaviours do I see that naturally shuts down passion?
How about the person who avoids sharing their thoughts and feelings in the relationship through fear of rocking the boat. I see individuals doing this for years.
Or
The person that shouts down their partner to create peace and calm unaware they are creating resentment within their partner.
Or
The person who feels they have to defend themselves from their partner judgements and criticisms.
Or
The person who has tried to communicate, but their words are falling on deaf ears.
Or
The person who feels their partner just doesn’t care.
Or
The person who felt they had to change who they are to keep the relationship stable.
Or
The person that fears being vulnerable, has trust challenges or past trauma who will automatically move to a blanket don’t trust anyone and you be safe mode.
Or
The person/couple that are more secure in themselves when they are focusing their energy into what seems to meet their needs such their work or their children. This couple will be unaware that initially their relationship met their needs and when it stopped they naturally shifted their attention into what made them feel good. Without knowing the relationship was being starved waiting for one person to wake up to this reality.
Of course there are many reasons why a person or couple can move into a protective emotional state, but if they do that they are part of the reason why the attraction is dying.
In broad terms you can’t protect yourself from your partner and love them at the same time for humans this is impossible.
So when I’m working with any couple one of the key goals is to help them see this point loud and clear. Holding back love, punishing your partner for a perceived wrong does not create more love and passion.
If you focus your energy into protecting yourself please know at that point you are NOT protecting the relationship and if it’s a relationship you want to keep know that you’re not protecting yourself either because the relationship can’t grow this way so it naturally dies.
This philosophy is key in my relationship with Cloe. I never make the move to protect myself from her ever, no matter what she does or says. I committed to love her no matter what and that’s a standard I hold my self to.
For Cloe and I security is a result of how we behave with each other, it is never our focus. I can’t tell you how effective this is to allow passion and attraction to thrive and grow.
Couples who work with me learn that security in an intimate relationship has to be the default of how the relationship works day-to-day. What I mean is security must never be the focus, but must always be the result of how the couple works.
This way of living together then helps the couple to feel free with each other and this allows space for new energies into the relationship such as fun, passion, love, intimacy.
If you have connected with what you have read today and you think going deeper would be of interest to you and your partner please click here now.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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