So many couples are frustrated with each other because they have an expectation of their partner that’s almost impossible to achieve because the way they think is so different.
They expect their partner to think and feel a certain way, the truth is the differences are profound and can lead couples into problems they can’t solve.
- [HER] “He won’t talk about his feelings?” (He feels bad enough why would he want to go over it again and again he will only feel worse, why would he want that? He want’s to solve it quietly on his own and get rid of it fast)
- [HIM] “She won’t stop talking about her feelings?” (She needs to talk about them because it helps her to feel better through connecting with those that say they care for her)
- [HIM] “Why can’t she just forget about the bad stuff and let it go, doesn’t she know she is making herself and us worse?” (She can’t because that’s not how she solves her problems)
- [HER] “Why is he ignoring my feelings? Doesn’t he care about me, and if that’s true then what are we doing together, in fact that’s a point, why are we together if he doesn’t care? I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love me, I will have to keep any eye on this and test it later.” (If she doesn’t see he cares it sets off a chain reaction that escalates her fears, leading to escape, shut down or escalation of testing him)
- [HER] “You never hug me!” She could say, “love”, “kiss”, “Appreciate” as examples
- [HIM] “What? I hugged you this morning?” (To all men: It’s not about the hug, she wants your attention for some reason)
- [HER] “Leave me alone!”
- [HIM] “Fine!”
The result: She can’t believe he left her alone? Him confused?
- If a man says he doesn’t need help, he means he doesn’t need help.
- If a woman says she doesn’t need help, what she means is help me.
- If she is shouting at him he will think she is trying to attack him. What she is really trying to do is connect with him because what she wants is to feel safe and loved. His frustration/anger at her just makes her more fearful and resentful so the problems get worse.
These are a few examples of what happens for couples. They are confused by each others words and action and this confusion creates fears that can lead to problems and then to break-ups.
If these key understandings are not in your relationship there will be problems. Both men and women think very logically, it’s just a different logic.