One of the reasons couples in crisis struggle to reconnect is because they have not acted quick enough and are either now full of confusing and conflicting feelings or have made the decision.
For me to help couples I must understand the structure of their crisis and understand the mindset of the person wanting to leave this is one of the critical elements needed to give them the best chance of discovering their truth.
Understand the perspective of the person that wants to leave is so important.
Even a person who sounds 100% verbally committed to leaving can have a small part of them that says “are you sure you’re doing the right thing?” So these people will be on a mission to look for more proof that leaving is a good idea. – They will find it!
Some thought their problem would just go away. Some just go into survival mode and shut down. Some just focus on their job or the children and don’t think past this focus.
Couples problems rarely go away, and so it will catch up with them and will end up being proof to at least one person the relationship is doomed to fail.
Many initially feel they are just incompatible.
They can be sceptical that they can be helped.
They can be sceptical their partner can change.
For some, they are so exhausted by their problems that putting any kind of effort in can be just too much all they want is the pain, pressure and suffocation to stop.
Some will have suffered for years and will have battled with their mind about staying or going until they eventually make the decision I have to leave.
When they make this decision to leave, they will feel relief that the suffering has ended and a new life is possible.
When their partner hears the seriousness of their message to leave, they can wake up and will now do almost anything to save the marriage.
The leaves their partner with a problem.
They probably always wanted their partner to fight for the marriage but their decision to leave brought them so much relief and comfort why would I now want to step back into that hell just because they have just woken up.
They might say “Why do I have to get to this position before you take me seriously?”
This is why leaving problems for too long can become a problem. I have helped so many couples reconnect once the final decision has been made, but the job is significantly more challenging.
People who have decided to leave do not possess the motivation to step back into what for them was years of hell.
Their mind is going to look at their problematic history project those experiences into the future and decide that’s not a future they want to live.
Enough is enough!!!
What I have to do is help these people discover if this thought is actually true.
Is the historic data they are relying on true? Is their disconnection due to distortion(s) that neither person was aware of that could be corrected without compromising anyone?
There is no question their pain and the suffering is true, but it’s highly likely that they lived a distorted dynamic without knowing for years, and this is why they are both suffering.
I have seen couples create a distorted dynamic just days before they were married and lived it for years – they didn’t know.
I’ve seen one person who married unaware they were living a subconscious decision made years before that they could never be safe in a marriage – they didn’t know.
Another person who committed to a relationship unaware of their true belief of being married – it meant “entrapment” – they didn’t know.
How about the lady who 100% believed her husband would have an affair this thought happened on her wedding day whilst making her vows to him – she was delighted she was right because he did have an affair 11 years later, but she sadly was unaware this thought would be self-fulfilling as she wasn’t safe to love him in her mind.
One of the biggest challenges I see is the couples dynamic has actually enabled one or both people to lose connection with themselves.
So what’s true? Is the relationship wrong or does that person have a hidden pattern that’s running to protect them in a very unhealthy way, and if not understood, they will likely run the pattern again in future relationships?
Getting to the truth is critical to avoid years of problems.
Many couples come for my help after divorce or separation. They were, or at least one person was 100% sure this was the right decision.
So why are they now back in love confused as to what happened and naturally worried it could happen again. These couples know they don’t have control over what their mind is thinking. They know it can lead them to make terrible mistakes.
So they are delighted to be back together but want to know why it went wrong, why did we feel we must part and how do we protect our marriage moving forward.
These are the lucky ones.
The really lucky ones are the ones who are brave enough to discover their truth. Remember the goal isn’t to keep couples together it’s to discover if being together is going to create more love, more passion and more happiness for life.
