If your partner is telling you their love for you has died, there are a few very powerful things you should and shouldn’t do if your goal is to get them back into the marriage.
Loss of love doesn’t happen over night and can be a total mystery to their partner which leaves them feeling lost and powerless.
The things you should do, most people don’t do….
…and the things they shouldn’t do, they almost always do.
So the first thing you must NOT do is PANIC!
Loss of love is something the person has created within them, so it means it’s not permanent and can be undone with the right approach.
Look at this example: Many couples come to me after they have divorced totally confused. They want to understand why they fell out of love, divorced each other regretted the divorce and are now together back in love again, but now fearful this trauma will happen again.
If you are a regular reader then you will know that, I agree that there are couples that shouldn’t be together, but leaving a relationship/family without really understanding what’s happened has many hidden problems which can show up in future relationships.
The goal: If you want to get your partner back into the relationship you have to help them feel great about themselves when you are in their mind.
Can you now see the challenge you face.
Your panic/anger/fear will not create that, what those emotions will create in them is either contempt, feeling sorry for you, feeling guilty, or simply anger at your selfishness.
None of these emotions will bring them back in. In fact it will just help them solidify their decision to leave.
So what are the MUST NOTS if you want them back.
- Don’t make their pain about you.
- Don’t cycle through emotions such as frustration, anger, sadness it will just help them to see you as erratic.
- Don’t tell them they have a great relationship, that’s not their experience and will create even more distance.
- Don’t say, “….you know I love you”. Your love for them is not the issue, it’s their loss of love for you that their real problem.
- Husbands: Don’t suddenly become house husband of the year. When a woman is looking for a real man to be a life long lover and best friend. Packing the dish washer was not on her list of needs.
- Wives: Don’t test him to see if he loves you, he won’t understand the test and all he will feel is better he is getting out.
- Don’t ever put pressure on them for answer. Any pressure they don’t like can send them into the wrong decision.
- Don’t become needy
What are the MUSTS
- Get on the same page as them as fast as possible. Once they feel understood by you then their guard can come down and there is then potential for learning and growth.
- Give your partner space to breathe and think, despite what they say to you there is a part of them that is questioning such a big decision.
- Time is not on your side so get help as fast as possible there is going to be a window that is where they are either confused, or unsure about what they are thinking or about to do.
- If they won’t come for help, go on your own.
Loss of love explained
Loss of love is a feeling that’s created as a result of needing to protect oneself from their partner, understanding what that protection has been about is key to your success which is why it’s so important to seek help.
One couple had been in therapy for 4 months before they came to me for a second opinion. They felt although the therapy/counselling was painful/helpful in talking about their problems, but they had stopped making progress.
They felt they needed a different approach, an educational process that offered advice, steps and new direction.
Out of the many things they learnt with me I helped them to understand and learn about the energy they had lost and how it not only had stopped their attraction, but had slowly starved their relationship.
Through this I helped them understand their love was not dead, just dormant waiting to be reignited.
This was the root of their problem, they needed to feel alive again, excited about their connection and their future of being a team together.
At a Glance: Relationship Building Programs available to you with Stephen Hedger
- If you are in marital crisis you may need a tailor made 12 week Marriage Breakthrough Program.
- If you NOT in crisis, but going round in circles then you may need a 6 week Relationship Repair Program.
- If your in personal crisis then you may need a 4, 8 or 12 week Personal Breakthrough Program.
If your interested in any of Stephen’s programs either
Book an initial consultation so Stephen can assess what you need click here, or call to discover more information.