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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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Negative Pattern Switching

The art of Negative Pattern Switching is a key skill to learn especially if you are in a relationship.

One of the energies that has a profound effect on how we feel is OUR FOCUS, it’s one of the building blocks to building or interrupting a negative behavioural pattern.

Any parent will know that when an upset child is distracted away from their upset they may stop crying. So by helping a crying child to shift their focus to look at a balloon in the sky has the potential to change the child’s emotional energy in the moment.

What people are not seeing is how powerful a persons’ focus on their life is and how with a little know-how a destructive emotional pattern could be changed into a constructive feeling.

Let’s look at a NEGATIVE FOCUS that I might see in a session.

  1. Imagine a person who is so focused on their past pain, they cannot see past it to build a happier future…
  2. What about the person who has deleted everything that is good because they are so focused on looking for what’s wrong it’s all they can now see…
  3. How about the person who is predicting a negative future and actually makes it happen with this focus…

In each one of these examples, the person is entrenched in their focus and that focus is powerful enough to collapse any connection with themselves or relationship growth potential with others.

The key for these people is to help them change the patterns that leads them into their negative focus.

Let look at the first example on that list.

  1. Imagine a person who is so focused on their past, they cannot see past it to build a happier future…

A person who is so married to their past negative experiences because it has caused them pain and suffering will want to hold onto that focus so they can protect themselves from a future of more pain.

They may not want to leave the marriage or want it to end, but by withdrawing to protect themselves they don’t discover the truth about their connection.

The problem is their focus on self-protection also stops them from contributing or investing in their relationship and so the relationship will at some point die if they don’t take action to feed it.

In many cases, the person doesn’t really want the relationship to end, but their need for certainty through keeping the past alive and withdrawing will lead them into the wrong certainty.

As you can see the person is trying to achieve a need of certainty but it won’t happen if the behaviour of holding on to the past remains.

This focus is destructive for that person and the truth they really want to discover.

As you can see the need for certainty done this way is actually creating less certainty and no helpful answers.

So what will create the clarity the person really needs?

The answer is in not letting a persons fear drive their need to gain that critical certainty.

Fighting or running may shift the pain initially, but it won’t present the truth.

The question is this: If I become the very best of me what do I bring out in you?

After all you can’t be more than the best of yourself.

Many people intrenched in negative patterns will probably find this a challenge on their own but it is where the truth sits.

This does take courage to take this step and it’s that lack of courage that stops so many gaining their truth.

You simply cannot control others, only yourself, so your question is “what will the best of me create in you”?

This is why so many people fail in gaining their truth and live the wrong life, the worst of them will always bring out the worst in others.

Plus to make the challenge more challenging positively influencing someone who doesn’t think like you or is driven like you will help people to give up.

The understanding and the thinking needs to change for the couples truth to appear.

The thinking that created the problem is not the thinking that will solve it.

Once the person has the courage to be the best of themselves all they now need is the knowledge of how to apply that to gain their truth.

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Stephen Hedger
Stephen Hedger
About the author:

Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach

With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.

Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
Stephen Hedger
Latest posts by Stephen Hedger (see all)
  • Your Marriage Isn’t Broken — The Pattern Is. Here’s How to Fix It. - July 2, 2025
  • The 5C Marriage Blueprint: The Foundation Every Relationship Needs to Thrive - July 1, 2025
  • The Silent Killer of Marriages: When You Stop Being You - June 30, 2025

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  • Your Marriage Isn’t Broken — The Pattern Is. Here’s How to Fix It.
  • The 5C Marriage Blueprint: The Foundation Every Relationship Needs to Thrive
  • The Silent Killer of Marriages: When You Stop Being You
  • Emotional Intimacy in Marriage: The Key to Trust, Connection, and Lasting Passion
  • Please Save Our Marriage – My Wife has Asked for a Divorce
  • Loss of Love? How to Save Your Relationship
  • Passionless Marriage: “Sex life dying – want to know why?”
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  • Feeling Torn Between Two Relationships?
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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

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I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

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Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

From Battlefield to Breakthrough: How to Save Your Marriage Without a Toxic Fight.

January 31, 2025 By Stephen Hedger

Most people who come to me for help believe their marriage is broken, so their level of hope is not high. Many will have tried to fix the problems without success. These people are unaware that there is a critical mindset shift: if you don’t make it, your chances of success dramatically drop. As you […]

“By changing yourself, you can change a relationship… because I did!”

September 16, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

We were in the process of physical separation, with my husband arranging to move out at the end of the month, and I was getting legal advice on proceeding with the divorce.  On one of those distressed and sleepless nights, I came across Stephen’s website and his blog. I was fascinated. What Stephen has written […]

“There’s no hope in hell – I want a divorce!”

April 22, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

So what do you do when the trust is broken so badly that their relationship ends with them selling their family home and moving into separate homes? Most people would consider this the end, but this gentleman decided something different. He wrote to me to see if I could help. I wanted to encourage his […]

Marriage Crisis from Infidelity & Communication Breakdown

August 21, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

Today’s post is about a professional couple in the UK who decided they wanted to share their experience of their tailormade program that was designed to help them out of their marital challenges. They were in crisis due to communication breakdown and infidelity. They had 12 meetings over five months to learn how to reconnect […]

His Marriage was Over!

June 5, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

This man was in the depths of sadness; his marriage was over, but he didn’t want it to be. They had seen numerous counsellors who had all concluded the marriage was indeed over. He had lost all feelings for his wife. Due to being so stuck for so long, he had started an affair. But […]

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems.

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Recent Posts

  • Your Marriage Isn’t Broken — The Pattern Is. Here’s How to Fix It.
  • The 5C Marriage Blueprint: The Foundation Every Relationship Needs to Thrive
  • The Silent Killer of Marriages: When You Stop Being You
  • Emotional Intimacy in Marriage: The Key to Trust, Connection, and Lasting Passion
  • Please Save Our Marriage – My Wife has Asked for a Divorce

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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