I have seen so many people who have had problems for years and for a quiet life or to protect the relationship they ignore them, they hope they will go away.
With relationships, problems NEVER go away EVER what they do is GROW!
You see problems have a core reason for being, they are there to tell us to make a change.
If we ignore them the change won’t happen and so other problems will keep coming from the same core problem.
If you don’t deal with the core problem it will keep coming up.
There are a billion examples but here is just one.
Let’s say we have a gentleman who is holding onto the awful things his wife has told him about him over the years. He has built up resentment and attached it to her.
What is the core problem?
There are many, but let’s look at a few, firstly he doesn’t know why she is saying those things, he has just assumed she isn’t very nice!
Without understanding why she has said these things how can anyone judge her?
Secondly, because he doesn’t know the answer to the “why she is saying those things” question he doesn’t yet know if he’s part of the problem for why she behaves this way.
Behaviour can’t be judged as wrong without understanding why it’s happening. He is resenting her based on his own interpretation of her words, this method of diagnosing her is always a disaster.
He needed to understand what she was really trying to say.
You see when men say things, what they say is all they mean and when women say things what they say could mean many different things.
Men and women have very different language patterns and for a good reason, yet very few people are aware of this and how to correctly interpret it.
I’ve overly simplified the model to help you see the problem of not understanding each other correctly.
Relationship problems always have a good reason for being, they are just not obvious to the untrained eye.
So this man has assumed for twenty years that what she said is what she meant, but when I helped them to see the true message their understanding changed.
His resentment turned into protection now he had the right understanding and as a result, she stopped saying bad things.
So it seems a shame to spend a life with someone constantly making the wrong assumption about them, resenting them because they feel qualified to have been their judge.
My wife Cloe and I are in our fifties now and we are all too aware of how short life is, so please don’t get it wrong for too long.
The problem isn’t going away so when it happens it’s important to understand it so you can deal with it and make the right change.
There is so much to learn with building effective relationships, no one has these skills naturally and growing up there are no teachers.
Judging doesn’t work or help, many people seem to be happy with being right, but they will feel alone too.
So we commit our lives to others totally unaware of what we are stepping into and the true cost of getting it wrong.
Many are totally unaware they are getting it wrong until a partner says I’ve had enough or I’ve fallen out of love.
NEVER let problems fester the answers are there and in most cases, those answers will be a relief for both people.
More posts to help you.
- Built an Empire and lost a Family
- Marriage in Limbo
- Rebuilding Connection & Trust
- Divorce Regret
- Divorce Prevention
- Resentment Stacking
- 36 Principles For Success
- My Wife is Aggressive
- A Wise Old Man’s Decision
- I was in tears
- Tourtured by the past