What do you do when a couple has normalised their distorted dynamic and sits blaming each other for their problems?
What do you do when each person has a distorted relationship with themselves and normalises those behaviours?
You see, how do we know what a normal and healthy relationship is like if we’ve never seen or experienced it?
This is where the problems start.
To be fair most people have grown up in varying degrees of dysfunction, and this has become understandably their normal.
So, they filter their perception of life and relationships moment-to-moment through these unhelpful pasts.
This results in patterns of behaviour that will hurt them and those they fall in love with.
So, the loveliest people end up doing terrible things to each other, sadly calling it normal, and then end up complaining when the response they get isn’t what they wanted or expected.
So people sit blindly in their distorted version of “normal,” unaware that in their quest to create what’s familiar to them, they are stressing their relationship connection and making it unstable.
Blaming others for any upset is a typical emotional pattern of this distortion, but blame is one of many negative patterns people practice.
So, I keep seeing people who are unaware of how to have an effective connection with themselves, and this is a big part of their problem.
So, in life, they might live in the identities of great parents or great business people but end up being terrible husbands and wives.
Mums and dads and business people don’t make good lovers.
Husbands and wives are the identities that build the foundation of effective lovers, so how is this identity different? You see, people just don’t know, and so they suffer.
Based on this one simple distortion of many, they are unaware of how to create an effective connection with their partner.
So they are not connected to “normal” and healthy on both counts.
The contrarians reading this might say I don’t want “normal”, and I agree because we are all different.
I’m saying that “normal” in this context is a basic emotional foundation and position that allows growth and uniqueness to thrive.
Normal are the foundations that build a platform a couple must be able to stand on that allows attraction, passion, joy, and freedom to thrive.
Without the basic foundations, you’re building your home on quicksand.
I’ll repeat – “Normal is the foundation that builds a safe platform where love, passion, fun, and joy can grow.”
I remember a couple who had built a 15-year connection on their distortions.
So when their relationship went into crisis, neither person knew why.
They were unaware their historic perception of happiness together was a ticking bomb, leading them into an eventual crisis.
They had a perception of happiness for a long time together.
They both said they felt happy and safe, but in my world, they had been on thin ice for years and just didn’t know.
The reality was the time they had was not matched with the depth of connection that true understanding brings.
They were blindly happy in a shallow connection, vulnerable to any changes.
Then, the inevitable change came, and the ice cracked, shocking them both into self-protection.
The problem is that relationships are ever-changing, and the skill of being lovers for life is in building a safe foundation that allows for these changes.
You see, we need to feel free to grow and change naturally.
For example, a woman in her twenties will have changed significantly by her sixties, so her marriage must have the foundations to support her years of evolution.
So what must we know and practice on both sides what will allow both people to evolve and be free?
We must understand what “normal” is, or we cannot grow.
What basics must we know to build a healthy connection for life?
- How do we set our expectations correctly so we don’t stress our connections?
- How do we keep a craving for each other alive?
- How do we create a connection where we feel safe as a result of our normal healthy connection, so feeling safe is no longer a focus?
- How do we become relationship partners we can be proud of? In fact, we are so proud we would gladly let our children follow us to safety and joy.
The first step on this journey is understanding that we are not born effective relationship partners.
We must learn to become someone worthy of a relationship that we can love being in and that others would envy.
This is a skill because your partner is nothing like you, and you need to know why.
The changes can start when you stop seeing your partner as a version of you.
So you cannot look at how they perceive the world as the same as you because you’ll always be wrong. This is a major reason why couples bicker and disconnect.
The skill to master is understanding them so well that you know how to bring out the best in them, no matter their emotional state.
Of course, this is the reverse of what happens to most couples, who, through their distortions, only know how to bring out the worst in each other.
So, you see, the basics of “normal” are critical to learn if you want lasting love and passion.
The clients who follow this model find rebuilding their connection significantly stacks the odds of success in their favour.
Couples have learnt how to reconnect from a terrible crisis, and individuals have reclaimed their marriages by following this process independently.
Together or alone, someone has to step-up and take back control of their lives.
Relationship problems rarely go away on their own, and leaving a marriage without understanding these foundations only means you’ll take your part of the distortion into the next relationship.
Getting this part of your life right has the power to transform years of suffering into the best time of your life. Many couples report having never been so happy or connected.
You see, a relationship should be alive, fun, and exciting, but if the foundations are not set correctly, the years can only bring years of pain and suffering.
So, are you ready to take action and discover what “normal looks like?
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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