This is a common statement I hear from couples who are on the edge of divorce who have my words that describe the reason for their disconnect ringing in their ears.
Many create conclusions for their disconnect and are way off the mark. You see natural patterns help us see a marital crisis in ways that make it unsolvable BUT…
When a coupe in crisis are helped to understand the reason for their disconnect and what has to change, in many it helps them see a new way forward, one they could never have imagined no matter how bright they are.
You see helping couples out of a crisis isn’t about fixing them it’s about giving them the tools so they can discover for themselves if they can with the right knowledge create a connection they would both enjoy again.
So many are shocked at what they didn’t know. The knowledge they can now see was critical for them to stay together for life.
You see so many couples are unaware they are heading for natural disconnection, and they ignore all the red flags that tell them trouble is on the way.
The problem is, it’s what you don’t know is likely to hurt us the most.
When a couple first meet and are having fun, who wants to look for what can go wrong? So they don’t look or even know they should.
So I’m flagging as clearly as I can I have never met a couple that naturally understands what will help them connect and protect their relationship for life.
This is why so many people get divorced remarry and end up failing all over again; they simply do not see why the relationships keep failing.
I wasn’t born with what I now see as a critical life skill.
I too had to learn this as I was historically making the same mistakes I see couples make when they come to see me today.
What I have come to learn through spending so much of my life with couples in crisis is the natural disconnect men and women experience the more time they spend together.
It’s important to know this disconnect is totally normal, but it needs to be understood and corrected before they damage their connection so badly they cannot retrieve it.
So many couples are confused by each others words and actions with devastating consequences.
To start with the couples initial attraction, fun and adventure align them with feelings that they can both enjoy.
It won’t be long before confusing behaviour starts, and at least one person starts to create distorted meanings to their partners’ behaviours.
These meanings then distort how they behave in the relationship and the ping-pong of destruction starts, for many it’s masked by busy lives, careers, kids ETC until one person wakes up or is woken up by another.
For many, relationships are places where they want to avoid being vulnerable.
So imagine just one example of the many possible disconnecting moments, being in love with someone and out of the blue they become upset/unreasonable with you, and you have no idea why or how to make it better.
Couples are often shocked and confused at how their partner behaves because they would never behave that way – that behaviour doesn’t equal love, respect and support in their mind.
Confusion, when so much is at stake in a relationship, can create a loss of trust and so their partners’ integrity comes in to question.
Couples that keep becoming confused by their partners’ behaviours will naturally create disconnect because when confusion strikes, it affects the trust you are being loved.
They may be thinking “…someone that loved me would never treat me this way…”
Loss of trust creates a need to self-protect and self-protection can lead to a loss of love.
If couples want to be successful together, they need to understand their partner is fundamentally like a different species to them.
They don’t think the same, they don’t have the same emotional drivers, needs or expectations, and they are totally unaware their partner thinks differently to them.
So the moment one person try’s to judge their partners’ behaviours, that judgement is instantly incorrect.
So just because you speak the same language, it doesn’t mean you know how to translate your partner words and actions.
The skill of truly understanding each other then creates the skill of how to become of significant value to each other.
People that don’t know how to create an effective connection will have to resort to negative controlling behaviours.
If this is in your relationship, please know there is a better way.
Understanding and knowledge is the key to a successful life with an intimate partner.
I spoke will a client this week who had been through this program of knowledge with me and in his words, “this new understanding is Life Changing.”