No one has the ability to MAKE someone feel a certain way. Or put another way, no one can run into someone’s brain and create a feeling for them.
If a person is having an emotional response to something that response is connected to their unique patterning, they have been developing from birth.
I hear many stories of people who blame their partner or others for how they feel.
This belief in itself is going to weaken the person’s confidence in themselves as they believe others could control them and what they feel, and they can attach those bad feelings to others.
What we feel is created by us and us alone, yes others can influence us and can connect us to deeper pain, but they are not the creators.
Imagine the chaos if other people could really make us feel a certain way.
Imagine if a person could run into someone’s mind and make them, for example, “love them” against their wishes. The idea is, of course, ridiculous.
I was working with a SAS Officer, and this concept came up. I asked him about his emotional response to a gun being pointed at him. What he said was very different from what most people would experience because, through training, his emotional patterns had changed.
So the gun was not the creator of his emotions; our translation of the event creates what we feel.
This is critical to understand.
We are not all having the same emotions to the same events and there are many hidden reasons for this.
When I’m working with individuals to understand this concept, I usually run processes to help them take their power back.
Initially, I could take them through a process that interrupted their old way of thinking so they could connect to a higher purpose within them.
For many feeling instantly happier, relieved, relaxed so quickly is quite a surprise. It’s crucial that they see the construct of how a feeling happens so they can choose the emotions they want.
Now they understand they can feel different the key for these people is what do they now have to do to keep their emotional states consistent with what they want them to be.
Firstly, of course, it’s not me making the change in them it’s me showing them how to take steps to master their own emotions and create different feelings at will.
Most people I meet are not aware it’s even possible.
This, of course, takes practice and some people don’t want to bother because they get something good from keeping their problem and so they chose to connect and keep a familiar negativity.
Some people do pick this up quickly, and some do struggle and need more time, especially if they have experienced historic trauma.
The key is to create a mission of moving away from allowing negative emotions to take control of us and what we do and move towards resourceful emotions purposefully.
It’s not uncommon for some people with negative emotions and patterns who blame others for how they feel to recruit others to socially proof their distorted beliefs.
If you watch significantly traumatic events you will notice everyone behaves differently. Some need connection and love, some become activists, some take advantage for personal gain, some get frustrated and angry some want to find new ways to learn and grow.
So if a person gets angry with others…
It’s not going to be what they’ve said or done that’s upsetting them. It’s directly connected to the many filters they use to experience the world.
You see, someone who has been rejected and unloved as a child is going to experience marriage differently to someone who has just been loved unconditionally.
Their filters of history, beliefs, needs, and values are going to radically change how they generalise life, what they delete from their perspective, and how they distort their experience from moment to moment.
They don’t see how they create their own emotions. All they know is they feel bad and now they are looking for someone or something external to them to connect the feeling too.
What’s great about us owning the fact we are the creators of our own feelings is it puts us back in the driving seat.
One of the keys to a successful life is to become the observer of your emotions and your reactions to them.
It’s also key to know we are not our thoughts. So many people through destructive patterns create destructive thoughts that they fully associate with and embody them without challenging them first.
This process is extremely hard on that person’s emotional state.
Just because you think it, it doesn’t make it true.
Mastering your own emotions and feelings is a critical skill to learn for successful connections with others.
If anyone is using destructive emotions to make the world the way they want it, please know this person is not in control of themselves and is disconnected from their own higher purpose, and this process will compound their suffering.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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