With the right approach it is possible to rebuild trust in a marriage so that your marriage is far stronger than it every was before, no matter what’s happened.
I have seen many couples go through devastating affairs and then learn how to breakthrough their fears and then work together to protect and feed the relationship what it really needs to survive.
At the end of this post you will learn how I helped one lady connect to a strength within her to deal with a devastating situation.
Trust can be broken for many reasons, the obvious ones are affairs, lying, or some kind of erratic behaviour. What many don’t see is that trust can be broken if our needs are not met. Trust can be broken if the dynamic that builds attraction is damaged.
One of the most commonly overlooked areas is when a person has lost trust because they don’t feel emotionally secure in the relationship. Maybe they don’t feel heard, or they feel misunderstood. Maybe someone feels their partner just doesn’t trust them and they feel blamed or judged for wrongs they haven’t committed.
The deepest challenges for any relationship is when one or both people start to feel they are not enough for their partner as this ignites another powerful fear which is i’m not loved by my partner.
It’s important to mention that many people operate a red alert system that was created many years before, for some in childhood and this makes trusting others more challenging for them. These people need to learn how trust in a way that really protects them.
“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” This sentence is a very common indicator that slowly over time the trust has died, but for no obvious reason.
Loss of trust has a magical way of helping a person bring up their protective barriers, they might shift focus, or seem to change identity, or they simply numb themselves to block out the pain.
Trust in all it’s forms is a critical part of any relationship and is the responsibility of both people. They must trust themselves and they must learn how to trust the person they had decided to be in a relationship with.
Of course the question is how?
How can I trust someone who keeps treating me badly? How do I trust someone who keeps having affairs? How do I trust someone who has lied to me over and over again?
Without doubt rebuilding trust in a marriage is a significant challenge, especially if the only perspective you have is your own experience and the fears that creates.
The problem for many couples is how do you rebuild a relationship with a person you love, but don’t trust? Or how do you fall back in love with a person who has broken your trust.
My starting point for any person in a relationship is they must be able to trust themselves to be who they really are. Many people react in fear to trust challenges and then become someone they are not to cope, which is exhausting.
Look at this lady: She had just found out her husband was having an affair and was an alcoholic! She had three young children and was in a terrible state as she sat sobbing in my office.
She had kicked him out of the house, and was clearly consumed with her shock and pain. She was so focused on herself and her own pain I knew that this was stopping her seeing another truth that could help her. My mind went to the children and what they would be going through, seeing both parents losing control though fear, resulting in one parent ejecting the other from the family home.
I asked her to think about her children, what they have seen and what they might be going through right now.
I told her that I would agree to help her, but she needed to be there for her children as their young minds would be deeply affected by this situation.
The mother in her sat bolt upright, she instantly stopped crying. Her energy had totally shifted and now instead of being the ‘wronged wife’ she shifted into the role of the ‘protective mother’ and she wanted to learn.
I engaged with the identity of mother within her and together we created a plan to deal with this situation so, number one the children were safe and number two we could understand and deal with their marriage.
No matter what happens to us we all have a more resourceful version of us available to deal with the reality of what life throws at us.
What we need is the tools that enable us to connect to that identity that we can trust ourselves to really keep us safe and connected to who we really are. Only here do we give ourselves the best possible chance of getting to the truth in our lives.
This lady engaged with her truth as a mother and used this energy to take part in a process that helped her rebuild her marriage and helped her husband trust himself to never drink again and be the husband she knew in her heart he was.
At a Glance: Relationship Building Programs available to you with Stephen Hedger
- If you are in marital crisis you may need a tailor made 12 week Marriage Breakthrough Program.
- If you NOT in crisis, but going round in circles then you may need a 6 week Relationship Repair Program.
- If your in personal crisis then you may need a 4, 8 or 12 week Personal Breakthrough Program.
If your interested in any of Stephen’s programs either
Book an initial consultation so Stephen can assess what you need click here, or call to discover more information.