In todays post I’m going to talk about the people who have the most problematic relationships and what can be done about it.
When I meet these people I usually spend time with them on their own long before I will ever subject them to a couples session.
If you put these people into a room together to discuss their challenges they will both spend an hour blaming their partner for the state of their relationship and this is far too upsetting at this point.
This additional stress only results in two people getting more proof they are incompatible, so to protect the relationship they must be looked after separately to start with.
The people who struggle the most are the ones who have a troubled relationship with themselves.
The foundation of these problems can be varied from bad parental models to past traumas and upsets.
The one thing they have in common is they are all fear-based and are there to help the person avoid distressing/bad feelings.
The problem is they actually end up creating the very feelings the person is trying to avoid.
The moment a person with emotional problems with themselves enters a relationship their partner is going to have to bend to their way of thinking so they are okay.
This distortion instantly creates emotional distortion and puts the relationship at risk for some instantly for others it’s a ticking bomb.
This type of person can display their own challenges through the following types of behaviours. This is a small sample of what I see in sessions.
- Overly controlling
- Aggression / Passively aggressive
- Depressed, anxious stressed
- Playing the victim
All of these problems are going to put stress on any relationship and it’s important the person recognises this as a personal problem and takes responsibility to deal with it.
Their affairs changed him
Imagine a man who has had two serious relationships and both have resulted in both women having affairs – devastating events for him.
What’s the chances of this man eventually falling in love again, but with a focus on loss and betrayal.
What the chances of this affecting the way he shows up in this next relationship.
He could become overly controlling, untrusting, jealous, needy.
What’s the chances of the new woman finding this very unattractive and wanting to search for a new man.
Horrible past was ruining her chances of love
What about the woman who was abused by an uncle and her own mother. Her ability to trust anyone is going to be significantly compromised.
So she attracted men she knew she could control.
The concept of giving up that control was far too risky. She ended up taking control of everything to the point the men had no role and so they sat on the sofa and watched TV all day.
She then complained they did nothing.
She controlled so much she killed the possibility of creating love which needed vulnerability to thrive.
Being bullied set a life pattern
Throughout his life as a schoolboy, he was bullied. He discovered that being bullied got him attention.
This set a pattern of living as a depressed victim in his intimate relationship. Whenever things went wrong he would play the victim and his partner would care for him and always fix the problem(s).
Essentially a 12-year-old boy within him was emotionally controlling the marriage and he frequently sat in self-pity getting love but more from her as his mum than from a lover.
In the end, his wife asked him to leave, the relationship just exhausted everyone including him.
He not only lost her attention he lost her love and his children.
Their sex life died
This woman shut off her emotions as a means to protect herself from her husband leaving her.
She did this over time as she felt her husband didn’t love her.
This wasn’t true, but in her mind if he loved her he would understand her and love her the way she wanted.
She was totally unaware that no man would just understand her, men are not mind readers and think totally differently in intimate relationships to a woman.
Her expectations moved her to protect her from her own interpretations of him.
This constant need for self-protection killed her desire for intimacy and stressed their relationship to the point of him wanting to leave her.
Education helped her to understand she nearly lost someone who thought the world of her.
The key to helping someone with a challenging relationship with themselves is to help them through education of what’s going on and why and move them to a position of repatterning their behaviours so they can be successful.
Anyone in fear or self-protecting is going to find a relationship hugely problematic.
I meet many people who are not even aware they have a personal challenge and so they gently need to be supported to see the negative impact they are having on the relationship and themselves.
A relationship is not a place to heal past wounds!!!
A relationship is a place to build a deeper and more secure bond through consistent creation of love and passion.
Fears and self-protection do not create love and passion and a relationship without love and passion cannot survive.
All fears create is a search more problems.