Many couples find themselves in the same old behavioural patterns that end up frustrating both people. Life together will be teaching them they are constantly in disconnect, feeling bad when they are together and these bad feelings are becoming more frequent.
Essentially it’s really common for both people to become emotionally triggered by the other and so the couple plays out the same old game of disconnect as they press each others hot buttons.
I watch couple after couple create a behaviour that triggers their partner, and now two people who would normally say “love” and “kindness” are critical in a relationship are instantly at war, causing each other emotional harm and killing their relationship and their connection.
During this Coronavirus lockdown period, a significant amount of people have reached out to me for individual help with their relationship.
They wanted to know if I could help them save their marriage if they attended on their own.
I agreed to help them because one person can make massive strides to repair a relationship on their own by changing their own behaviour so they personally become less triggered by their partner, and they avoid triggering their partner.
The goal is to help individuals interrupt their natural emotional triggers so they can stop the cycle of destruction and rebuild their connection.
I had to do this myself
I personally learnt something very important in my relationship with Cloe when she reacted to a situation I actually had a choice of how I wanted to respond.
I made the decision to not be triggered, reactive and out of control, but it wasn’t always that way.
In my twenties, if someone I was in a relationship with became upset with me I would defend myself and attack back. Back then I didn’t look for a choice I simply reacted without thinking.
But my reactions back then created three massive problems.
- I was out of control of myself
- I made that moment all about me
- I totally misrepresented who I was and yet still expected love.
So the problem that so many people are not understanding is how can I take responsibility for my own behaviour and actions that connect me to myself and support the relationship?
Far too many people have a bigger expectation of their spouse being a better partner than they do of themselves.
This in itself is a fundamental problem.
Relationship building starts with personal responsibility to remain connected to who you say you are as you support, learn, and understand your partner and why they behave the way they do.
How many people sit in judgment of their partner and their behaviours instead of learning why they act the way they do?
How many people sit and learn why they themselves are triggered, resulting in them being effective partners?
Every person that has been successful with me has taken personal responsibility to embrace reflecting the best version of themselves in their marriage whilst putting themselves in their partners’ shoes.
All these people stopped judging their partner and started learning their partner, but they all did so from the position of being a better vision of themselves.
I had to learn this too.
For example: If my wife becomes upset my mission is to care that she is upset, I did this because I made a decision that for her to be in this relationship successfully she needs to feel safe and loved she will always receive that from me no matter what’s going on.
She does the same for me.
So if you want to see what your relationship is capable of it starts with individuals understanding how they can be the best versions of themselves not just in the good times, but when things go wrong too.
The best relationships come from overcoming the challenges they face together as a team. This proves that when things go wrong, each person knows they are 100% responsible for putting the relationship back on track
You cannot be an effective team member if you are constantly focused on yourself, blaming the other for what they have done wrong.
People who are struggling with each other will, through fear, create a focus of self-protection, and this pattern will help the two individuals become more triggered and self-focused with each other.
If both people are focused on themselves and their lack in the relationship, this will lead to deeper problems.
Just one person who is prepared to take responsibility can change the direction of their relationship through understanding a new way to approach their own emotions and triggers.
Just one person can make a massive difference, but they must act quickly, as permanent disconnection is a process.
- So, you may want to avoid a divorce
- You may want to save your marriage or make it better.
It all starts with our relationships with ourselves first, please remember if a person needs to control their partner so they are emotionally stable then how can they ever create a successful marriage.
When individuals replace their out of control triggers with personal responsibility and learning then they start to gain the power of what it takes to really grow their relationship and connection with each other.
If this has struck a chord with you and you would like to learn how to become an effective relationship builder on your own or as a couple between now and Christmas, I have just 12 places left for my tailored programs.
So please make contact today if you are interested.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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