Loss of love is a very common problem that shows up in my consultations. It’s a terribly difficult problem for couples and many give up not knowing the simple steps to reigniting feelings that have died.
As you scan through my words below you will see a snap shot of how this couple were guided out of this horrible situation.
This lady turned up with her husband. She told me she had lost her feelings for her husband.
She told me without those feelings of love she didn’t believe she could carry on the relationship. They had young children and I knew those children were the reason she was sat in front of me.
Her feelings had died and to help them I needed to know why? I also knew she didn’t know the answer to that question.
There was no affair, he was hard working, he loved the children, he had a successful business. On paper they had all the ingredients for a successful life.
What she could tell me was she no longer saw her husband the way she wanted to.
As we talked I could see the dynamic they had created as a couple had helped her shut down her feelings. Neither of them were aware of this and so without knowing they had been destroying the relationship a day at a time.
As I questioned their past and how they lived together I noticed they had slipped comfortably in to behaviours that felt right in the early days, but those distorted behaviours were going to be their downfall.
She had slipped into the role of protecting the relationship, her husband and herself. In essence her past challenges had helped her to feel she was safer if she was in control.
With no effective masculine model growing up the husband had slipped into letting her take control to please her. He felt this was what she needed to be happy.
Of course it was what she felt she needed, but it was being driven by her fears, so he was now responding to her fears and keeping them alive with her.
To help this couple breakthrough they needed to create a totally new dynamic that enabled her to feel safe to let go of her need to control. His role was take a much stronger masculine position.
Essentially she had become the man in the relationship and from this position she couldn’t connect sexually with what she saw as a weak husband.
The reality I saw that her husband was not weak he had just played weak to please her.
In response to this destructive dynamic I designed a process that step-by-step would help them to get to grips with their new roles. I spent some time alone with her husband helping him to understand how to step-up and bring a powerfully protective energy to his wife.
With his wife, I helped her to understand what she had done to herself that had blocked her feelings and how her past had played a significant part in generating her need to keep a tight hold of her life so she wouldn’t be hurt.
With these new roles in play and by both taking responsibility for their past actions they took their first steps into their relationship.
Over the coming weeks as each person understood their new roles and how to get the best out of themselves and each other, a few things started to happen.
The husband started to feel much happier independently of his wife. He noticed that he had more energy, he felt empowered and alive. By playing the role he thought his wife wanted him to be, he had lost himself.
It was critical for his wife to see this happiness within him because she knew his change of behaviour was likely to last if he was happier.
For the wife she had responded well to her husbands new energy. She felt her husband was starting to understand her and what was important to her. As she felt him step-up and understand her she felt she could start to let go.
This enabled her seemingly dead feelings to start to return.
What was great for him was he could see what he was doing was now actually working.
This couple learnt not only how important it was to create the emotional connection they both needed they also learnt how to protect the relationship moving forward.
This process was not just a journey to connected with each other it was a journey to connect with themselves and how to bring their best selves to their relationship, family and life…
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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