So I was chatting with a lady who was recommended to me and she wanted to find out if I could help her and her husband?
They were at breaking point and she was about to action lawyers, but she was unsure if she had really tried everything and had heard from a friend about me. She said she liked the idea that I don’t sit couples in their problems and focus on their past.
I asked her to help me understand from her perspective what she had experienced in the relationship.
As she was talking I could hear straight away that her husband was not protecting her emotionally and she was having to look after herself in her marriage.
I could hear she didn’t feel emotionally safe with him and she had lost all sense of who she was and was struggling to make a decision about her marriage that made sense to her. It was especially painful as she had young children and knew the wrong decision would affect them for life.
She was naturally resentful of this uncomfortable position and had attached this pain to her husband and the relationship.
I explained to her that her husband was unlikely to be able to understand this was even a need she had and even if he did know he was unlikely to understand how to do it so it worked for her.
I also shared with her that it was unlikely that she knew how to communicate her critical need to her husband in a way he could understand and take action on.
She paused as she considered my thoughts.
I then added that some of the reasons her husband is likely to not be present with her in the way she needs are he will have struggled to find a way to be successful with her.
I explained that the sexes can really struggle to understand each other and all kinds of confusions can come out of situations that only end up hurting each other without ever meaning to.
She had explained that he was now shut down with her and their interaction was purely practical and she couldn’t bear it anymore.
Men in these situations are very likely to give up with her and go to where he can be successful places like his work, friend, family hobbies etc. In his mind, if I go to work and earn the money at least I’m doing the one thing everyone needs.
In essence, he will want to spend his time where what’s happening around him is logical to him and where he can easily be successful.
To him, his wife will be a place that totally lacks logic and so after trying many angles over time men can give up as they run out of ways to deal with what to him feels like a totally impossible situation.
In this place, he can decide to just keep his head down hoping the problem will go away on its own. Of course, it never does!
So I agreed that she must be suffering, but I could hear through her words her husband would also be suffering because his mission of being successful with her would keep presenting him with his own failure, illustrated by her unhappiness.
So together they had created the perfect dynamic to shut the relationship down both looking at the other to change.
The question that for me was left unanswered was this…
If the couple were given the right information would they follow it and apply it to their life?
So I asked her, “If I gave you the information that allowed you to reconnect to who you really are and helped you to become a successful confident and valuable relationship partner would you do it?”
“Yes of course,” she said
You asked me a question “Should I be in this marriage?”
“If you work with me to discover how to become the best of you with the knowledge of what your partner really needs and you find that that best is not good enough for him you are in the wrong relationship.
If you bring the best of you and you meet his needs and he is still focused on himself and he simply takes from you, you are in the wrong relationship.
If your husband understands how to meet your needs and chooses not to do it then not supporting you becomes a choice, so you are in the wrong relationship.
Gaining the information will create an authentic position you will either work or you won’t.
You see you can do no more than become the best of you so you have nothing to lose.
So imagine if I helped both of you to do this so you both felt you could be yourselves with each other with the clear knowledge of how to interact not just in a way that created a deeper connection, but in a way that also created attraction.
Imagine if you could find a way to create conflict and you grew closer from it.
Imagine if you could create a future that was exciting together.
You should not just settle!
You have one life and it should be the one you want, but to gain that you must become an effective leader of yourself and your family.
Being less of who you really are does not create that so, it’s up to you?
So do you really have to leave this relationship to reconnect with who you really are, you don’t yet enough information?”