So how do you know when your marriage is over. For many women the marriage starts to feel over when she feels the man in her life doesn’t or will not connect with her emotionally.
Many couples that come for help have a very common problem, they find the husband can be very capable practically, but he struggles to connect with her on an emotional level. This can help her feel lonely and disconnected from him.
Many women who find themselves in this place of no connection for too long can search for the connection they need in other places. Some go to their children, some go to their friends and family and of course some seek out new connections. (If you are considering an affair please rethink as the complications are significant and are likely to confuse a secure direction).
Three extremes in this situation of emotional disconnect is the woman that just shuts down and avoids conflict with him. The second is the woman that picks at him and is focused on his faults and weaknesses. The third is the wife that gets aggressive verbally.
Men rarely respond in the way she wants to these approaches and so the disconnect is fuelled.
Many women in sessions communicate they can’t believe their husbands cannot see they have been unhappy. Some husbands tell me they never knew, some say they hoped the problem would pass and some were equally disconnected because she seemed so unreasonable.
For men if a woman is quiet his translation is she is happy. If she nags him she is just mean and if she gets angry then clearly she has issues and needs professional help.
What men miss is the real messages she is giving him and they miss them because their minds simply don’t work the same as a woman’s mind, so if you expect him to get your messages, he simply won’t. Yes I know you think you are being crystal clear, but I promise he won’t get it, but he could learn it.
So if a woman is quiet always make sure nothing is troubling her. If she is picking at him something is wrong for her and he needs to get to the bottom of it. If she is aggressive she is displaying her pain emotionally outwardly and he needs to be there for her.
Simply speaking these approaches are her way of connecting with him and letting him know she is struggling.
If she thinks he is ignoring her she will disconnect with him to protect herself from further pain, or she will stay open to him and suffer.
When I present to men in sessions what their wives have been going through many men are shocked at what they didn’t know. Grown men have been reduced to tears as they are shocked at what they wives are experiencing based on their historic actions. They simply didn’t know.
These men genuinely loved their wives, they simply didn’t understand what their wives needed. They thought the home, the holidays, the stuff and the money would be enough.
I can tell you now that what fills her up is his warmth, his presence, his strength, his consistent desire to learn about her and what she needs.
If she really is the most important part of his life I highly recommend he makes her number one.
The message today is that confusion is highly likely in our relationships and genuinely lovely people can be doing awful things to each other without knowing.
Learning the skills that create secure connected relationships is so low on many peoples priorities until it starts to go wrong.
Protect your relationship and get the future right.