Today I going to share with you 3 massive areas of focus that are foundational in collapsing a marriage.
Far too many couples are not understanding why they are in trouble. They make the wrong assumption… there is no hope! They then use that emotion of no hope to break up their family.
Below are 3 core reasons couples get themselves in trouble and how resentments can start to stack to destroy their marriage.
1. Build strong foundations that keep the relationship safe
Coupes don’t understand each other at all, yet they are under the illusion they think they do, this is where danger lies and resentment stacks.
The biggest surprise for most people is, they have no idea what they really need to keep their own relationship alive.
So the couple don’t understand how to really fulfil each others critical needs. Many are not even aware they have to.
For example: Men are not usually unaware that being the protector is an important role for him in the relationship. His job is to help her feel safe both physically and emotionally. Some women are not even aware this is what she needs so he REALLY has no chance as they are both lost.
His challenge is he will have no frame work of how to be her protector, especially how to help her feel safe emotionally. The couples challenge is she will be expecting him to do this unaware he has no idea how to?
To her it’s obvious, to him it’s not obvious at all.
Simple fact is men and women are so different they don’t naturally understand how each other thinks and behaves, so they live in constant confusion and upset.
So the couples goal is to learn how to understand each other. Understanding and then supporting each other is the key to keeping the resentments low and the pleasure high.
So if a mans job is to protect her emotionally, how can he do that if he doesn’t understand her? Of course he can’t. So women who are expecting their men will naturally understand them are usually unaware he has no idea how to.
The lack of understanding at a needs level causes couples terrible problems. The key is you must be aware of how to share with your partner how they can meet your critical needs so you can connect sexually, intimately and passionately.
You both must know how to meet each others needs in a way that keep the resentment low and the pleasure high so attraction has a chance to thrive.
2. Keep the attraction/passion alive to magnetise your partner to you
Attraction is about differences between men and women that spark sexual energy. Where many couples end up is they lose the key differences that create natural attraction.
Many lose these difference because their critical needs are not being met and so they find themselves protecting themselves from their partner.
This need for security is a passion killer!
So to keep the relationship alive you have to keep the sexual energy alive. This is critical or you’ll end up being friends who end up house sitters and children carers.
So one example is many women complain, she feels like her man has become like an additional child in the family. Sexually connecting with what she sees in him as a child is not what she signed up for.
Men can feel that women complain all the time and are constantly negative and are always looking for problems, or causing arguments.
In both these examples (their are many of course) the sexually energy cannot thrive as security become the focus so their attraction dies.
This makes the couple extremely vulnerable, as sexual needs are a key part of the human experience.
So if you are not helping your partner to connect with you sexually then be sure, at some point someone will.
3. Build an compelling future to step into.
I have yet to meet a couple that have planned their relationship.
Past getting married, buying a house and having kids couples goals/plans/aspirations stop and holidays are now the only real plan.
The challenge is… the future for many is not exciting enough. So the marriage loses it’s energy and excitement and now the couple will look for other ways to meet their critical needs either through children, friends, hobbies or work.
The marriage is just something that’s there, this again is dangerous. The marriage needs feeding and will starve and die if you both don’t look after it in the way it needs.
Couples who are struggling usually discover their future with their partner has disappeared. They can’t see it or connect with it anymore.
This is because loss of security has created loss of passion and this combined with no plan for the future gives the person no real reason to stay.
Each one of these three critical areas is foundational and takes skill to build, it takes new understanding of both the individuals and their partners.
These skills are not natural and they do have to be learnt.
You see men and women are not naturally designed to live together in a box called a home. So if you want a relationship to last and you want to keep your children safe, then you must both become effective thought leaders in your family.
You both must know how to stop protecting yourselves. You must learn how to be free and start building a life and a connection that’s fulfilling for both people. You must learn it in a way that naturally creates security.
Learning how to do this can save relationships from disaster.
My message is please expect to have problems, this is normal, but don’t expect they will fix themselves because they won’t.
