Virtually every person that comes for help has made their partner responsible for the state of their relationship.
Someone in this common model of behaviour is not seeing the moment they stand back and wait for their partner to change, they have instantly lost control.
Successful people know that the moment they take responsibility, they put themselves back in the driving seat.
The shift I’m talking about is making each person 100% responsible for their own emotional states and the state of their marriage.
This means moving away from the “I’m only responsible for my half” so naturally out of control of the other 50%.
In any successful team, each person is 100% responsible for the outcome.
When one person is struggling or suffering, the other persons’ job is to help them, support them, love them.
The problem most couples suffer from is rather than helping each other, they sit in judgement and blame whilst defending themselves.
In becoming defensive and judgmental, that person has now lost connection with themselves, which compounds their own pain and suffering.
So a person who might call themselves loving, kind, supportive is now none of those qualities whilst they practice being the blamer and the judger.
So they are very keen to hold their partner to their standards whilst they are blind to the fact they have lost connection to their own standards.
This is a recipe for disaster, and this model must change if the couple are to grow.
The reason this destructive process happens is for a few reasons.
Many people are so conditioned to look for what is wrong that they miss the bigger picture’s truth.
They are too connected to a need to understand, and when they don’t, they make themselves the judge of right and wrong.
Many think the way they think is the right way or the only way.
IMPORTANT: Successful relationship building is a skill we don’t naturally possess.
The start of this skill is a persons’ relationship with themselves.
Your ability to stay connected to your true self is critical. Most people lose connection with themselves when things go wrong and then blame their partner for how they feel.
Only when one person brings out the best in themselves are they in the right emotional space to bring out the best in their partner.
Too many people somehow think that bringing the worst of themselves to a problem is the best way to solve it.
When both people practice disconnecting from themselves when something goes wrong, this is a path to disconnect/divorce.
Relationships are supposed to compound love, passion, fun…
People without the necessary skills or tools will compound feelings such as anger, disconnect, frustration, and loneliness…
Moving someone from being the judge to reconnecting to themselves and becoming responsible and supportive is a process.
Thankfully it’s learnable for those who value love and connection and want to grow their emotional resources so they can be of true value to themselves and their marriage.
