We all like the theory of someone being our soul mate. Someone that has our back and will love us for life, someone that’s a friend and a lover. Someone who will help us become the best of us, pick us up when we are down and cheer us on when we succeed.
Most people want a purposeful life that’s exciting with someone special.
The problem is no one that gets married is going to be able to see the future and know how they will both feel about themselves and each other.
Far too many people end up disappointed with how their life plays out and for some who they have chosen.
Many are bored either with their life or each other.
Some have lost connection and passion for each other and life is just about work, kids and tending to a house.
Others can’t agree on the basics such as money and life decisions.
Many know they can’t communicate and either are in a constant power battle or have simply given up trying.
So what’s the problem with all the couples I see?
None of them has set their marriage up to be successful, and so when life changes hit them they don’t respond as a team, and many end up protecting themselves from each other.
Couples are simply not aware of the pitfalls that all couples will face as the years roll on and so they kill (without knowing) the energies that keep their marriage alive – PASSION/EXCITEMENT – ATTRACTION – LOVE & CONNECTION!!!
They don’t know for example that passion will naturally die as the need for security (emotional protection/connection) rises.
- They don’t know that passion will die as surprise and mystery declines in their marriage.
- They don’t know that their partner thinks and has critical needs that are totally different to them so this will create confusion and assumptions that help us feel we are not loved or cared for.
- They don’t know how to have conflict and grow closer from it, so the protect me from you process starts.
- They don’t know how to connect with each other so either through time or circumstances, the connection will be dying as they know their partner doesn’t understand them.
- They don’t know the importance of planning their marriage, their life and who they must become to become valuable to each other. Many people still think they should be loved regardless of what they do. Relationships need feeding, or they will die.
- They don’t know successful marriages are about giving and meeting your partner needs in the way they need it. Couples who are not having this conversation about needs will feel an emotional deficit that takes their pain into years of suffering.
- They don’t know the behaviours that will naturally enable their partner to want to disconnect from them. I see so many couples who have killed their attraction so badly they feel a need to protect themselves from each other. In fact, just being in the same room creates anxiety for some.
- What couples are not seeing is the way they are trying to help support and get through to their partner is actually pushing them away.
- Couples don’t know that if their partners’ critical needs are not met, they will have to meet them somewhere else. This could be friends family work kids, or for many, they will become vulnerable to intimacy with someone new.
- A lot of men are not aware that some of women’s behaviour in a relationship is designed to discover if he is man enough for her. Most women are not attracted to needy men they can control. Every couple, of course, is different.
- Women are not aware that the man in her life doesn’t understand her and is going to be confused by a lot of her words and behaviours. She can feel a disconnect from him, but it may not be because he doesn’t love her. He just doesn’t know how to please her and help her. (Please note men who feel they cannot be successful with his wife over time will feel significant pain and can emotionally detach or focus his energy into what he can be successful at.)
These are just a few of the problems couples can face as time passes.
If you are either just married or have been together for years, it’s never too late to learn how to build a “The Bulletproof Marriage”.
Every couple is unique, and so their solution has to be unique to them.
When you can see relationships from the perspective of understanding it’s so easy to see why couples are in trouble.
IMPORTANT: Men and women don’t have natural communication styles that are compatible, so they will consistently feel disconnected especially as time passes.
Thankfully this is learnable and helps couples overcome their crisis and explains to them why they have struggled for so long.
Once they understand their disconnection they can once again become a team that can connect and support each other. The goal is to help couples create powerful connection based behaviours that naturally allow passion and love to thrive whilst building a foundation of teamwork, belonging and security.