He came to me weighed down with questions about his marriage. On the surface, he had it all together, a career he loved, financial stability.
The affair that had distracted him was over, but he was convinced his marriage was over.
At home, he was deeply unhappy. He couldn’t imagine a future with his wife that didn’t feel bleak and painful.
As we worked together something became clear to me that I needed to share with him.
I helped him see something he’d never considered before: he was running the wrong identity in his marriage – he was about to learn the most important life lesson.
At work, he was strong, decisive, masculine.
Even in the affair, he showed up in that energy. But at home, he unconsciously slipped into a more feminine role, repeating the patterns he’d inherited from his father, without knowing.
His wife, living without his masculine energy at home, had no choice but to step into the masculine role herself just to cope. Their attraction dynamic was reversed, and neither of them was being who they truly were.
They felt wrong, but didn’t know why.
Neither of them were aware this was a problem you could have. Their conversations went around in circles each time feeling more hopeless.
This was not a problem talking could solve. In fact, endless conversations about their lack of compatibility would only have confirmed the gap.
What he needed was an identity reset.
He learnt what it meant to be a masculine man in his marriage.
When he stepped back into his masculine energy, he felt stronger, calmer, and clearer.
For the first time in years, he could lead the relationship instead of collapsing inside it. As his sense of self realigned, the future no longer looked bleak. He could see hope, direction, and a marriage worth building.
He didn’t change her, he changed himself, he had spent years trying to get her to change.
And as he rose back into his true masculine identity, something beautiful happened: his wife’s feminine energy re-emerged. She no longer had to hold everything together on her own.
She could soften, reconnect, and return to the woman he first fell in love with.
The marriage that once felt doomed now feels certain. Not because they had another round of difficult talks, but because he chose to become someone new, a man his wife could trust, follow, and love again.
What was interesting about their life together was when he met his wife she encouraged him to get the jobs he never thought he could do, she saw his potential and believed in him more than he believed inn himself which is why the job became so important to him.
When she met him his confidence was low, he didn’t believe in himself and she helped him take the first step.
In his job he developed his leadership and masculinity and enjoyed living there, but they never realised that he needed to shift his energy at home too.
Over time he felt the gap grow between who he was at work and who he was at home and he started to feel very wrong and blamed the marriage.
He over simplified the problem and attached a bad feeling to the wrong thing. Many couples do this without realising.
He then used his bad feelings at home to predict a future and naturally the future looked bleak and this is where the affair became possible as he was convinced the marriage could never work.
As the affair ended he was confused he felt shame and justification. He knew he was a good man, but the affair proved he could live outside his own values and now he doesn’t trust himself.
He was very lost.
BUT the marriage wasn’t the problem at all, the moment the confidence he had at work could be mirrored in his relationship at home that’s when he entered an identity that felt right.
Like his father he played small, he had given up who he was to please her without knowing.
Summary
When your identity in the relationship is misaligned, the future looks hopeless no matter how hard you try. Shifting into the identity that reflects your true self doesn’t just change how you feel today, it changes the story of your tomorrow.
There are many reasons why people live in the wrong identity, but one thing is clear when you let your past, fears or distorted beliefs run the show you end up in an unhelpful reactive identity.
The key to a successful marriage is to build an identity you can be proud of and love living in.
If your marriage is struggling then understanding this will become critical to your own happiness.
This man thought they were incompatible he discovered he had become incompatible to himself. As we concluded our time together he said to me he would never have come up with this solution and shared his gratitude in helping him keep his family together and safe.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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