The challenge so many couples in crisis face they are constantly battling with their symptoms thinking that’s the real problem.
So they go round in circles.
When couples do this, even if they manage to get rid of a symptom, the root problem will find another way to cause them problems.
The reason couples don’t get to the root problem is they are not asking the question “why”!
Instead of this question, couples are far too quick to assume their reactive meaning about the situation is the right one.
If someone is acting up or not being themselves, if the question “why” were asked instead of them being judged, the couple would create a different outcome.
When someone is not themselves, the “why” question is likely to either uncover their answer or take them to a roadblock.
If they reach a roadblock, then professional help will be required.
It’s far better to seek help than put the wrong meaning to a situation.
The wrong meaning can take us to blame and judgements, and that leads to self-protection.
That process of self-protection can end the marriage.
If you ask someone why their behaviour is not reflective of them, they might not know.
They might know but don’t want to say.
Or they might think they know.
Many people are very disconnected from what they need.
All they know is they feel wrong.
The worst thing a partner can do in these situations is to become their judge as it’s likely they will need help.
This is because the judged person will feel alone and will emotionally detach or self-numb themselves to deal with their own feelings, making the relationship redundant.
Getting to the root problem should be a couples activity because you are supposed to be a team.
Most people will have no problem sending the car to the garage when it stops working, so why should their marriage be any different use a specialist.
You’ll get to the root problem faster if you become a team and make decisions as a team to solve the problem.