There are so many ways a relationship can struggle, and if you are having a challenging time, please know you are not alone. In today’s post, I want to share a simple way of looking at the challenges everyone faces to help you see where to put your energy.
IMPORTANT: When it comes to building a successful relationship, there are two key foundational rules: The mechanics of what makes it work and the emotions that can either support the mechanics or disable them.
The mechanics are connected to the behaviours that will always create healthy outcomes. For example, the concept of losing weight mechanically is straightforward, but emotionally people struggle – relationships are no different.
Here’s the reality: If the mechanics are not understood, it will create a natural emotional disconnect because what they are doing simply isn’t designed to work, so upsetting times will follow.
When emotions take over, the mechanics struggle to work—it’s like an engine with no oil. The relationship fails, and people naturally distance themselves from what could make it work as the person’s reactive emotional system runs the show.
You cannot keep love alive whilst protecting yourself from the person you’re trying to love. Mechanically, this isn’t possible, and I see in their droves people are protecting themselves from partners whose intention is misunderstood.
I remember a man who held onto something his wife said 26 years ago. It affected his whole life with her. The problem is that she didn’t remember saying it, and she certainly didn’t mean it. Both people didn’t understand the mechanical basics, and in different ways, both let their emotions drive the outcome.
So the challenge that enters my sessions daily is that neither the mechanics nor the emotions are understood well enough to create a sustainable connection. Without understanding these parts, people do their best and end up hurting themselves and each other without ever meaning to do so.
This means the relationship becomes increasingly unsafe to live in.
The Mechanics: What Makes Relationships Work
The mechanics are the foundations of a strong relationship. These are the practical skills that, when applied, make things run smoothly. They’re not magic; they’re simply the tools that create trust, connection, and safety. Without them, everything becomes an unstable guessing game.
Here are some of the basics:
- Consistent connection to becoming the value you can offer no matter what
- Becoming that high-value partner that brings the best out of their partner
- Handling conflict in a way that strengthens the relationship
- Keeping connection and passion alive at the same time
- Becoming part of a team
- Learn to play
The thing is, none of this is complicated until emotions start to play their part. And that’s where disconnection comes in.
To be clear, as I said, the mechanics are not complicated, but they are also not widely understood, so getting this part right is the biggest and most important first step.
The Emotions: What Stops Relationships Working
Upset is what happens when emotions get the better of you, and instead of using the mechanics, people end up running reactive (out of control) emotional patterns. Emotions are not just about slamming doors and shouting—it’s often subtle but just as destructive.
Here’s a small taste of what the emotional drama can look like:
- Snapping at your partner or shutting them down
- Blaming them for how you feel
- Assuming the worst about what they mean
- Withdrawing or going quiet
- Turning every disagreement into a battle
- Ignoring how they feel
The truth is, most of this isn’t deliberate. It’s what we do when we don’t know how to manage our emotions or when we feel cornered. Most people are on auto-pilot, so how they act is a reflex, not a decision.
Why Emotional Drama Happens in the First Place
So, why do we let drama take over? It usually comes down to one (or both) of these reasons:
- You don’t know the mechanics. If you’ve never learned how relationships work, you’re left guessing. And when you guess, you’ll get it wrong.
- You can’t manage your emotions. If you’re being driven by anger, fear, or insecurity, the mechanics won’t matter. You’ll react instead of responding.
- Both. A lack of knowledge and emotional instability are double problems. It’s like trying to drive a car without knowing the rules of the road while being too stressed to think straight.
How Emotional Instability Disables Mechanics
Here’s how it plays out:
- Defensiveness kills communication. If you’re too busy justifying yourself or snapping back, you can’t hear what’s being said, let alone resolve the issue.
- Insecurity wrecks trust. If you’re constantly questioning your partner’s intentions or loyalty, it creates tension and undermines the relationship.
- Blame destroys teamwork. When it becomes about who’s at fault, instead of how you can solve the problems together, you’re on shaky ground.
Runaway emotions are like a wrecking ball—it doesn’t care how good your relationship “blueprint” is. It’ll tear it all down if you let it.
Breaking the Cycle: Master the Mechanics, Manage the Emotions
If you want a relationship that works, you’ve got to handle both. You can’t just focus on the mechanics and hope the emotions will magically sort themselves out. And you can’t sit in the emotional drama and expect things to fix themselves.
Here’s what to do:
Learn the mechanics.
- Learn what always works – do more of that
- Learn what never works – stop doing that
Get a grip on designing your emotions.
- Learn to represent yourself effectively no matter what is happening
- Discover how to take control of your emotional triggers
- Become more of who you really are, not less, when problems strike
The Bottom Line
Relationships will always fail when you don’t get the mechanics right or if you let emotions take over. Most people don’t know what to do and are also out of control of their emotions, which equals a compounding disconnect.
You’re not powerless in this; in fact, both of these are skills you can learn.
So, what’s the next step? My advice is to understand the mechanics so you can clearly see how they will affect your emotions. The question is, does the basic mechanics that make relationships work stress the individual’s emotional system?
Once you understand your own emotional challenge, you can correct it and no longer be part of the problem.
Naturally, you can do this together, but if one person isn’t ready, don’t wait. Take control today as you could get your marriage back on track on your own
