Does a marriage suffer if unconditional love is not part of their dynamic?
In today’s post, we are going to explore this question. Which has the most risk, giving unconditional love, or not giving it?
What is interesting is many parents will happily give unconditional love to their children, but they won’t give it to their partners.
Why is this?
The concept of unconditional love is for many a risky concept with their husbands or wives.
So it doesn’t form part of their relationship dynamic.
It’s risky because “you can hurt me so why would I make myself vulnerable to you”.
Some of their rules for love
So what people do is they put rules (sub-consciously) around the way they love their partner to keep themselves safe.
- I will only love you when you are nice to me
- I’ll only love you when I feel I can trust you
- I’ll only love you when I feel right in myself
- I will only love you when I feel it’s safe to do so
- I won’t tell you, but what I do for you is my way of loving you without it being a risk to me
- You did a bad thing so I won’t love you for a while to teach you a lesson.
- Holding back my love makes you needy and so I like the power.
So now imagine if both people who have those types of rules what do you think will happen?
The result of this thinking is where many couples exist.
Now both people are out of control
Both are protecting themselves though a process of not being able to be what they value due to their own rules.
They can’t be loving, even though they say it’s important.
Remember the idea is their rules will keep them safe, sadly this is an illusion as you’ll discover.
They might say that love is important, but they will hold it back until they feel it’s safe and so now they’ll wait.
The problem is they are waiting for the other person to perform so they can then be themselves.
It’s highly likely the other person is doing their version of the same thing.
So is the concept of waiting to experience love or holding back love going to grow and feed a relationship?
Of course it won’t, this process grows resentment.
Relationships won’t grow without unconditional love
Holding back and waiting means the person is not in control of being what they value.
So now we have the person feeling bad and the relationship not growing or being fed what it needs to survive.
What I see is most couples turn up to my programs both with rules they haven’t consciously created driving how they show up in their marriage.
Now both people are experiencing a lack of needs not being met and not feeling they can’t be themselves with their partner.
This is why most people come to see me wanting me to fix their partner.
Lack of unconditional love creates suffering
If unconditional love is not part of the relationship model you are in, it’s always going to suffer.
This post is designed to set the scene of how holding back unconditional love is damaging for the majority couples.
The next step is understanding how unconditional love can be achieved in a way that is safe and healthy.
This is also misunderstood, which is why is not practiced.
Unconditional love has the power to kill many fears in both people and that can stop their conflict.