There are three relationships in any marriage, that’s right three!… and if you don’t get these right then please expect problems.
When relationships go wrong many people assume they feel bad because of their partners behaviours, or lack of them. This can of course have an significant effect in terms of their feelings. It’s critical to know what really created those feelings because a person wanting to leave a marriage is going to use their feelings as their guide to a better life.
If you want the real truth in your marriage then you’ll have to look at all three powerful influencers.
What about the other two relationships that will and do form a powerful part of the mix?
The other two relationships are the ones the two people in the marriage have with themselves. This is usually overlooked, but it forms a significant part of the journey I take couples through.
I have seen so many couples get their relationship back on track because they have discovered how to have a significantly better relationship with themselves.
They become more trusting, more understanding, they live looking for the good. They discover how to be confident in themselves and live without the need for constant self protection.
Individuals can create their own problems for themselves in their marriage by using outdated patterns of behaviour which are designed to protect them from getting hurt. These people are unaware their outdated patterns really only service to empty them emotionally.
The sad results is they feel bad, but they attach it to the wrong thing – their marriage!
I’m going to share a learnt pattern below which is just one of so many learnt patterns that could affect a person in their relationship and thus affect their view of marriage.
For example: Someone that learnt as a child they couldn’t trust their parents.
If you can’t trust those that are supposed to love you unconditionally who can you trust? This means ‘trust’ is likely to be a red alert problem for that person.
That means at some point they are likely to bring a protective self to their marriage. They will be on red alert looking for reasons to not trust their partner and it won’t be long before they will find them.
This will help them to hold back in their marriage. Their partner will be likely to respond by protecting themselves also using their own outdated protective pattern.
Practiced over time this will result in the couples marriage dying.
We all have patterns that are designed to protect us emotionally, but for the vast majority all their protection patterns do is make their relationship worse, because the person is disabled from being their true self.
When an individual is disabled from being themselves they simply empty emotionally. This feeling is horrible for that person and results in them stacking resentments towards their partner and attaching those resentments to their relationship.
I’m currently helping individuals learn how to have a relationship with themselves that disconnects them from their outdated patterns and engages them with patterns that can help them to feel safer from within the marriage.
It’s from this safer place I encourage individuals then explore their marriage.
Just imagine if an individual created a pattern of behaviour years before that’s designed to protect them and without knowing they are running this outdated pattern for a totally different life condition and destroying their relationship from within themselves.
I see far too many people in this very place.
If you or your partner has ended up emotionally protecting yourselves from each other then you are likely to be experiencing this very problem.
Once we get two people to a much safer place within themselves then we can explore the marriage and help the individuals learn if it’s then possible to create a dynamic that works for them both long-term.
Two people that have really understood themselves are then given the critical tools to prevent destructive patterns being created in themselves in the future and within their relationship.
This protects the marriage and empowers both people to know what to do when any problems hit their marriage.
They simply learn how to become a team that operates on a foundation of growth and kindness.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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