The impact of this problem isn’t good at all. I see many couples where one person has given themselves the role of coach.
It usually happens when what they need isn’t happening so they use this approach without understanding they are instantly reducing their partners’ desire to want to help them.
Mechanically for most humans telling someone they are wrong doesn’t create motivation it kills it.
They decide they are going to put their meanings to their partners’ behaviours and show them the error of their ways.
It’s a kind of… “like it or not, I’m going to give you this advice because I think you need it…” this approach is the fastest way to switch off a partner’s interest.
“See this is what you do…” “This is where you are going wrong…” “You know what your problem is, don’t you..?”
One of the most irritating behaviours a person can bring to their partner is unsolicited advice from the self-proclaimed judge.
No one likes this behaviour, or values it and all it creates is a disconnect.
I have many years of understanding human behaviour in the context of intimate relationships so whatever happens at home I’m going to see what is happening and why very quickly.
But I have a challenge.
When I met my wife Cloe I made a pact with myself to never coach her no matter how tempting because I knew it would kill our connection dead because it would invoke a parent-child dynamic.
The parent-child dynamic is not an attractive one to be in AT ALL!
I chose a different route and that is to learn how she works so I can get the best out of her.
This way she is having a natural response to any energy she experiences and no pressure.
It allows her to be free to be who she really is.
That energy is designed to help her to feel amazing about herself.
She will then naturally attach that feeling to me – this is how attachment works.
Feeling consistently good will enable her to want the best for me, which she does.
Now the model is set, we have two people wanting the best for each other and focused on each other’s happiness.
This model is how just one person can single-handedly lead the couple into a far happier relationship.
The key to successful marriages is to add value in a meaningful way.
If a person keeps taking from a marriage, eventually it will empty.
If a person adds value then the marriage is never empty because it’s topped up daily.
The reason many people end up demanding and coaching their partners is that they don’t know how to bring out the best in them, or themselves.
So there are two choices each with very different outcomes, you can judge and blame and you’ve seen where that takes them, or learn you can learn how to be the example add value and lead your marriage to safety…
It’s a choice.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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