One of the key ingredients to a successful marriage is to keep the attraction/passion alive. What I see most couples doing is they practice acting in very unattractive ways that actually repel their partner.
Men and women are choosing to live together without learning about how different they really are. They make assumptions about their partner that creates resentments that become a powerfully negative force.
So when problems strike they don’t know how to translate their partners actions so they automatically assume the worst.
When this happens this is the start of big trouble for any couple.
So one of my missions for my clients is to help them learn the steps they need to keep that attraction alive for life.
At the end of todays post you will see how I helped one man see that he was shutting her down in his quest to be safe with her.
The mission for all couples is to help them understand how the right behaviours can help their partner to see them as attractive again.
How their partners sees them is absolutely critical.
So this is the conundrum. How does a person behave in ways that builds deeper foundations of security in the relationship and also ignites attraction that leads us both to passion and sexual connection?
Couples that gain this answer, are the ones that become life long lovers.
This is the challenge nearly all couples face, because the way they operate with each other is likely to be blocking the path to life long success.
It’s normal for individuals to only see their own perspective and blame their partner for the state of the relationship.
The reality for most couples is their real problem sits in how their ‘behavioural patterns’ have created a ‘couples dynamic’ that makes attraction impossible.
If this is practiced over time, one person will want to escape the relationship on some level, some escape emotionally (detachment) and some physically (divorce).
If you want to keep your marriage alive then you have to learn fast how to see the relationship from your partners perspective.
When two people decide to do this the result is very powerful.
I see so many couples who are lost, they still have a connection, but they are struggling to be together.
To get them out of a destructive trajectory and into a growth pattern the couple must learn how to understand the reactive automatic behaviours that are killing the relationship.
The key here is the word REACTIVE?
Reactive behaviours are behaviours without thought. These are the patterns that have been learnt over years of life. The person will have created ways of understanding the world. They will have needs, beliefs and values all connected to rules they think will keep them safe. Many discover the way they think actually makes their goals impossible to achieve.
For example: One gentleman screamed at his wife when he felt insecure in the relationship. I asked him if he understood this pattern within him?
Together we learnt that it was designed to protect him from the loss of the relationship. I asked him if he had noticed his wife’s reaction to his screaming at her. All he saw was her stopping the ‘moaning and complaining’ so in his mind it worked.
I explained to him that he was emotionally shutting her down to the point she no longer felt safe to be with him.
I asked him if this reaction within her to his shouting was likely to keep her in the relationship? He said no.
So in your quest to to protect you from the loss of the relationship you are acting in ways that will make her want to leave!
He never screamed at her again.
So he learnt with me how to understand himself and why he was reacting that way to her. He also learnt how to understand her world and how she was acting, so he could protect her.
She learnt how to reconnect with her passionate energy and how she could use that to bring out the man in him.
They both learnt the behaviours that would automatically reconnected them to their true selves and each other in a way kept them safe and paved the way to attraction and sexual energies.
Understanding there are critical steps to building that trust and connection are key to the couples reconnection.
If this has stuck a chord please make contact to discover what can be done in your situation.