Not understanding this post can destroy perfectly good relationships and break up families, so it is important to understand. Also if you are dating, or looking for love this is critical, because this process, unchecked can help you attract people who like the fearful version of you and that’s a recipe for disaster.
- So please read this a few times and share it with those you care for, you could just save their lives from pain too…
No matter how tough a person is, on some level being loved is important to all of us. Creating meaningful connections with others is a part of our make-up as humans. It’s a part of our Critical Needs list.
When working with couples, finding out their views and perspectives on Love in a relationship is an important part of helping them understand why and how any relationship can stop working when the Love stops.
Love is something people want, they want it so much they fear not getting it. So the process of giving it and not getting it back is a painful one for many. Those that really fear not getting it, even block the possibility of it, so stop looking for relationships.
Pain is something we don’t want, so most decide to not give love unless they feel safe to do so.
This means the person is on a rollercoaster of giving and withholding love in constant reaction to what their partner does, ironically their partner will be doing the same.
So at this point we know the individuals need love, but usually they won’t give it unless they get love first. People usual withhold because they don’t feel certain they will be loved back, or they don’t feel important to their partner on some level.
For them these are logical perspectives, some will withhold love to punish. In fact anyone’s not giving love because of what they are NOT getting is punishing their partner on some level.
What’s interesting is when questioned, no one has felt more love when their partner punishes them! Yet they carry on regardless.
My next question is how important is love to the couple. Individually they both usually agree that love is really important to them.
I then ask “ …is love important some of the time, or all of the time?” Most answer, all the time (the ones that answer some of the time are usually in significant fear and will be helped because values can’t work “some of the time” because they cause the person pain.)
So if love is important, and it’s important all the time and we know that the person will turn off their love if they don’t feel safe to give it. We now know what the person says and what the person does will be different, this creates an internal conflict that ignites fears.
This inability to trust ourselves further magnifies our fears, because if trust doesn’t feel present in the relationship combined with a lack of love the relationship dies, no matter where that lack of trust, or love is coming from.
You see if you withhold your love to keep you safe the relationship dies. So you are not safe if you stop givng love!
The laws of fears come in to action if you focus on a fear, the fear becomes ignited. So if you fear not being loved then the process of withholding your love changes your behaviours.
If you change how you behave, you present a different version of you to the relationship in other words you change into a fearful you. This fearful version of you is likely to cause problems and destroy the very thing you want to keep.
Of course when I say destroy the relationship this takes many forms, some break-up, some stay together, but in a passionless existence.
If the couple are doing the same i.e. withholding love, when they are not getting it, the relationship dies, bit-by-bit over time.
So you see you are far safer giving love than not…
What’s also interesting to learn here is that the way we feel Love is through the process of giving. When our partner creates words and behaviours and we translate those behaviours in to acts of love, we in return give them love.
It is at the point we give them love is when our love is felt. So the love is actually created by us, our partners don’t have magical powers to give us feelings, we create all our own feelings. So if the love is created by us and we want to feel love, GIVE LOVE today and every day. GIVE LOVE to those you love and watch how you feel as you do.
At this point many comment, how can I give love when my partner is being so horrible.
Firstly never change you and go to fear in reaction to others this harms you. If love is important to you, stay true to you and give love no matter what. It is far better that you remain loving even if you partner is not.
Then make sure you understand why they have reacting this way. It could be due to their fears that the relationship is dying, they could be trying to save the relationship too.
Take off the assumption that they are trying to hurt you, their pain could be a cry for help where if love was present they would feel safe again.
In summary withholding love doesn’t create love, it creates fear. Fear destroys relationships, futures and families.
If you would like to know more please get in touch, or maybe you have a comment to make if so please do below.
Remember please share this post with all those you care about.
One more point that is important, I have talked about internal conflict this is critical to avoid because long term exposure can cause, stress, depression, anxiety and many other physical problems.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Click to find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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