Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Advisor | Harley Street London

Is loving YOU something you find easy, or is it selfish and self-indulgent? What is the real cost of getting this wrong?

One of these answers causes people real problems for themselves, their relationships and their children. As you skip through this post you will start to understand why!

In fact one of these answers actually expands further than just love it expands to the way they meet their core values. In other words they don’t see the value in themselves.

The only way they feel they create the value in themselves is through giving to others.

Only when they get a reaction from others will they feel their value in this world, as you read on you’ll notice this causes a them an inner conflict because this behaviour is a contradiction of their beliefs.

If they ever feel they are not valued from anyone this will hit them hard because they already feel that’s true!

They find it hard to have a good time on their own and so keep busy, or spend time with others. They are on a constant search to feel good through the validation of others.

This means that they are not at peace with themselves.

This type of behaviour usually comes from heightened emotional experience in their past. For example a child who does not receive love in the way they need it can create an adult that does not value themselves.

This child might have spent it’s time trying hard to please to get their love from mum and dad. This then becomes their pattern of getting love. As an adult there will be no shortage of people wanting to get love in some way so they become the perfect fit. The giver and the takers!

Whilst giving is an amazing quality and is one I encourage in relationships the person can’t give honestly if they don’t know how to give to themselves.

This is because the person is actually giving to get something back i.e. the love. [BTW giving to get never works] they know this inside, so they reject it because it’s self-focused and self-indulgent.

So they are now stuck, life is now unwinnable! This is likely to create an even bigger detachment from their true self, creating low moods, anxiety, stress and depression.  Detachment can also cause the person to act in ways which are in conflict with their own beliefs. For example an affair!

So now they don’t trust themselves to make good decisions as life starts to prove they can make mistakes.

This adds more weight to their belief that they are valueless and so “…. not worthy of LOVE!”

  • Does this resonate with you? Is this you, or do you live with this person? If so please get in touch.
Stephen Hedger
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