This is one of the most common fears in many areas of life but is especially prevalent in relationships. It usually goes hand in hand with another common fear that they won’t be loved.
Many of my clients have this fear and what they learn is about this fear, is it’s a sign of pending growth if you allow it.
It’s a sign that something is going to change if the right meaning is embraced.
The person who goes with the flow of this potentially negative energy and ends up in a more negative place will grow those feelings, but when explored, you can find another more empowering way through.
When the discomfort of this feeling takes a person to a place where an important question needs to be asked. “What if I’m not enough for who or what?” this is where profound changes are possible.
Whose standard am I trying to align with, other people’s standards or on my own? In relationships, many people find themselves trying to meet standards they never agreed to.
The reason this new question is so important is because if the validation we seek is always outside of us, we end up powerless to our circumstances and other people, which can create a cascade of additional unhelpful fears.
The key is to reclaim your own power severing the connection to those fears. The way this power is reclaimed is to not give power to others but retain your own power.
So the question isn’t “What if I’m not enough for who or what?” the new question is “What if I’m not enough for me?”
What if trying to be enough for others was a fool’s game, and what if what’s really needed is to embrace the concept of being proud of myself?
This realisation created another essential truth: We are the only ones who are qualified to judge ourselves.
These revelations led me deeper into my own personal development, and I started to ask myself who I have to become to be worthy of the life and relationships I want.
By asking these more profound and probing questions, you’ll see self-confidence’s true meaning.
A person would only feel and be aligned with feeling confident if they could trust themselves.
So, this whole exercise was about creating the ability to trust yourself and be proud of who you are in all the areas of life that matter to you.
This is why when couples argue, and they don’t know what to do, they are left either feeling they are not enough or blaming their partner, none of which builds the connection they both want.
This means that the only way to be enough, in a healthy way, is to be enough for yourself so you can effectively deal with life’s challenges in a positive way.
The best way to be enough for yourself is to be proud of who you are and learn everything you can about the areas of life that are important to you.
For me, relationships were a critical part of my life, so I made studying them important so I could learn how to become a highly effective partner for my wife, Cloé.
By becoming better, I became proud of who I am as a husband, and as a result, I became enough for me.
Many people don’t become better in their marriages; they try to please others and lose who they are, resulting in disliking how they feel and no longer enjoying being in the marriage.
Anyone trying to become enough for others will bend themselves inside out, trying to be what they think others want or need them to be.
Of course, meeting each other needs is a critical part of being together, but you can’t lose who you are in the process.
If you want to become enough, become enough for yourself first by holding yourself to a higher standard, a standard you would be proud of becoming.
Our true happiness is connected to becoming more of who we really are.
This is why, when I looked at my relationship with Cloé from day one, my question was, who do I have to become to be worthy of this relationship I say I want?
Once I understood that, it became the foundation of how I approached our lives together.
In simple terms, I wanted to discover how to be the self I enjoy being when I’m with her and learn how to keep that alive while dealing with the ups and downs of everyday married life.
The mission was to use this foundation to discover, no matter what is happening, how to bring out the best in her based on my behaviour, regardless of her emotional state.
Understanding this simple shift can take a person from being anxious about their relationship life as I once was to one where they create the power to take back control in a way that’s a win-win for both people.
Anyone can learn this skill, so if taking your power back and looking after your relationship would make a significant difference in your life, click here to apply.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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