Many men with relationship problems communicate to me what they want from their partners. The answers they give me are very telling and explain why they are struggling.
Their list usually looks something like this:-
- I need her to be calm, especially when things go wrong
- I need her to enjoy being quiet
- I need her to do what she says she’s going to do
- I need her to be consistent
- I want a sence of fairness
- I want to be equal to her
- I want her to be logical
- I need her to want more sex, even if we are having problems as it will bring us closer.
I could go on…
The problem with this list is this: This list brilliantly describes a man.
Men that want these combination of traits, are asking their partner to act like a man.
Because society doesn’t teach us there are significant differences between men and women we can expect our partners to behave like us. Men and women are designed to be different for specific reasons.
What happens as a child grows up, he or she is presented with a model of how relationships work by their parents. This is where problems can come from as the models they receive are usually distorted, but with no other benchmark for a relationship the one they experience is to that child, normal.
The child will use that model in their adult relationships.
In couples relationship coaching sessions the couple learns about the huge difference between men and women and how to use those differences to inject passion and lasting love back into their relationships.
If the couple don’t understand the differences and why they are there, then they will fight for their version of normal behaviour!