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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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“Why can’t you just let it go”!?

When the past is so present, how can there ever be a future?

A person refusing to let go of the past or its problems is a common complaint that enters my sessions that can frustrate both people, but for different reasons.

In many cases, one person will hold on to the past whilst their partner will want them to move on and let it go, in their minds, they can’t change the past so why keep going on about it?

The dynamic of this battle is why so many couples fail and then make it worse.

Never ask someone to let it go!

I would never ask someone to let go of a past event. It’s like we are trying to pretend it didn’t happen.

So if letting it go should NOT be the process and would only make it worse, what should we do?

To start with, it’s important to understand what is going on for them. 

The reason people don’t let go of their past challenges is, in most cases, their fears become the driving force for meeting their needs.

They won’t consciously know what those needs are, but they will be active.

The problem is their fears will disconnect them from the energy they need to keep the relationship with themselves and their partner alive.

This can lead to anxiety, and that will kill their ability to see a future that makes sense. 

These fears can come from past problems, and stacked resentments and vary from breaks of trust, such as affairs, to constant conflicts to misunderstandings, all triggering their fears. 

I also see many cases where past fear patterns created by childhood traumas are triggered and reinforced by ongoing relationship stress, negatively affecting a person’s emotional system.

When their fears take over, the emotional shift they make can feel like a change of personality to themselves and those around them.

If this happens and it’s not understood, it can stress the relationship into a hopeless loop of compounding upset and can lead couples to a separation or divorce position.

In many cases, when this loop is practised, it can create either ongoing anxiety or a self-numbing process designed to help them avoid the overwhelming emotional pain.

So why do they keep the past alive within them?

The starting point is understanding this:

  • Some are totally unaware they are doing it.
  • Some know they are doing it and don’t know why. 
  • Some know exactly what they are doing but refuse to stop.

Emotionally they will want to feel safe in two positions firstly, they want to feel safe today and secondly, safe in their future. 

Past breaks of trust can prove that future safety is unlikely, which triggers a self-protection response. 

Multiple breaks of trust or past problems can help the person to use outdated, ineffective patterns to survive.

In simple terms, if they don’t feel safe today or in the future, they will feel compelled to keep their past memories alive to protect themselves.

They are afraid of losing connection to what happened because letting it go would put them back into emotional danger, so keeping it alive helps them to stand guard protecting their emotional security.

Emotionally standing guard whilst remaining connected to the past can happen consciously or at a subconscious level.

Affairs are one example of many reasons people hold onto the past 

A person may hold onto the fact their partner had an affair; I’ve seen people that have done this their entire lives – they don’t leave the marriage, but they withhold their love and desire to connect because this would be too emotionally risky.

This process can result in their partner giving up, a sexless existence, the relationship becomes transactional, and many exit the marriage moment the kids leave home.

Holding onto the past is a problem

We can see holding onto the past doesn’t work, so what does?

In essence, the process is complex for the couple to see, which is why they struggle and need help.

Many couples try to sweep their problems under the carpet; this is a mistake because it’s unlikely the problem has been dealt with. 

Just because couples don’t talk about their past problems doesn’t mean the past problems have gone away.

Past problems are always there, eroding their connection even if their communication has stopped.

Change the emotional connection to the problems

The key is to help the memory of the event become one that is empowering for them by putting them in the driving seat for their own life.

So one couple I met were on the edge of divorce; he had an affair, and they were at the end.

She was naturally furious at him and couldn’t get past it.

The key in this situation is to show them this affair was a symptom of their creation over the years.

That doesn’t mean she was to blame for the affair; that was his decision, but she was a significant part of what was collapsing their connection.

They were both totally unaware of how they were negatively affecting each other, and both people thought the other was the problem.

They had created a very unhappy connection, and she agreed that it was true.

Once they understood where they went wrong and why, it put them on a very different trajectory where their relationship became far more connected, fun and passionate than before.

So the meaning she attached to the affair no longer triggered a need for self-protection and loss of her future.

She now saw a far more secure future that she could influence; she became her own certainty.

The new empowering meaning was this: As upsetting as the affair was, it stopped them from suffering with each other and helped them see what they would never have seen if the relationship was allowed to die a slow death.

The solution isn’t to let the past go

The real solution is helping a person who is stuck in an unhelpful pattern to change their emotional attachment to those past problems.

The moment the person can look at what happened, and that doesn’t trigger their fear system, then the person will no longer need to keep their memories alive.

So the worst thing a person can do when someone is keeping the past alive is to be upset they won’t let it go because that will simply trigger them to hold on tighter to those thoughts.

Category iconDestructive Patterns,  Infidelity-Affairs,  Marriage Coaching

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

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Do You Want
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Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
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Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

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Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

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October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

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“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

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What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

Click to Download FREE

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • Marriage is a dance – A dance most couples kill
  • “We can’t find a way forward!”
  • Breaking unhealthy relationship patterns
  • Anyone that marries will have trouble!
  • “Identity Secrets”- Mini Post

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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