Why do people who seem so fixed in their view change their minds? What has to happen for this to take place?
- Why does a woman reluctantly have a call with me based on her husband’s affair, she tells me this is the first and last call with me and an hour later she wants to work on her marriage?
- Why does a man who is devastated about his wife’s affair and years of her neglect change his mind about her and now is learning how he can be the best husband for her?
- How can a woman tell me she wants to leave her husband and months later she falls back in love with him?
- How can a woman tell me she’s planning to leave her husband, and a year later, they are planning a new life with a baby on the way?
- How can a man who’s so broken from his divorce feel convinced his life is over only to discover weeks later he was actually in the wrong marriage and his happiness with her just wasn’t possible? Now he’s free, and this time, he can design it so it works.
What is happening in the minds of these people that created such a dramatic breakthrough?
How does a woman that left her marital home with her 3 kids moved in with her parents find herself back at home with her husband 8 months later what shifted her?
When creating change in anyone, what’s important to understand is that they changed because they could see the change was the right one for them.
You cannot force change, you can’t will someone to change, you have to trust them to see the truth when it’s presented so they can decide the change is necessary, that way they are invested in their own decision.
Sadly many people are using the wrong leverage to make their partner stay with them and so they push them away without meaning to.
They try to convince them they are loved or worse the partner tries to tell them how they feel “you know you love me!”
- They might use the kids as leverage.
- They might stress the financial implications.
- Some may get angry and then try to love them.
Please note: Frightening a person will not keep them, it will backfire because people in love don’t try hurt those they love – It will come across as desperate out of control and self-serving and will only be met with a loss of respect and for some pitty.
Here are some examples of people discovering their truth.
Some people discover their truth because they become lost and lose connection with themselves and behave in ways disconnected to who they really are. Helping them to reconnect helps them see the world with fresh eyes.
Some people lose connection to their partner because the dynamic switches and so what attracted them is now repelling them. When this is understood, the couple now have choices rather than a dead-end.
Some people are in endless destructive cycles of sadness and anger, so they become stuck and depressed.
By interrupting this pattern and helping them meet their needs effectively, they are free from their low moods and depression and able to add value to what’s important to them again.
One gentleman was convinced he must go over and over his past suffering to heal himself he was with a psychologist for years the pain never went away.
He discovered his true peace was in his ability to disconnect from that painful past that no longer existed and learnt how to become a significant influencer to his wife and children. This shifted his focus away from an outdated identity and he embraced his role as a husband and a father for the first time.
He discovered his freedom, joy and fulfilment was not connected to his past it was connected to being of value to his future.
One gentleman was so connected to a painful moment in his life is spent the next 30 years igniting his fears without knowing. He was so attached to the pain of that time it was constantly making sure he was avoiding that pain.
What he didn’t know was to avoid it it had to become a focus.
So he wasn’t focused on what he wanted and was always trying to move away from what he didn’t want, and so he suffered, and so did his whole family.
This kept his fear alive through a pattern that was created when he was 13.
He never lived as his true self because he was always afraid.
Until now.
How about the lady who was convinced she had to leave her husband. She was convinced he didn’t love her, there was no emotional connection between them she felt alone.
She discovered that what she expected from him he wasn’t designed to naturally provide.
So with a shift of understanding to reset her expectations correctly and to provide him with the understanding of what she really needed the couple were able to realigned and fall back in love.
I also have many individuals come for my help to rebuild their relationships on their own because either their partner doesn’t believe that help works or they are too lost to know what to do, or they have decided so there is no point.
The reason it’s possible for one person to heal a marriage is because when one person shifts the other has no choice but to react.
The challenge is people trying to save their marriage are usually shifting into an energy and behaviours that makes things worse and so confirm the relationship is wrong or hopeless.
So, I have to guide these people to get the best out of their situation through new interpretations and new behaviours.
One lady loved her husband dearly, but she feared one day she would end up in an affair, he had retired early sold his business and was booking endless trips away only some were with her.
She still had children to look after so couldn’t join him in all his trips, in essence, she couldn’t retire from being a mum.
Also, she loved her home and being a mum.
She felt alone and abandoned as he was constantly away and he couldn’t see it, he didn’t want to lose her, but he wanted to enjoy the retirement he worked so hard for, in his mind, he was running out of time to have fun.
By helping him understand her emotional world he learnt how to connect to the pain she was in and the danger this situation had created.
He discovered the adventures of life were not just in endless trips, but also in just finding fun in the small things with her such as reigniting their passion for each other giving themselves permission to have fun for no reason and to play.
He learnt how to be present with her and not always focused on the future of the next trip.
He discovered a joy inside himself that he could bring to her rather than searching the world looking for a reactive joy to descend.
Now they spend time together at home and go on their adventures together.
Another couple were in circular conflicts. Neither knew what the other was trying to communicate and why.
By shifting their understanding through an effective translation of each other they stopped being on the battlefield against each other and they joined forces and battled their problems together as a team.
What’s creating such dramatic breakthroughs?
So the reason people’s minds become changed is because they have their eyes open to new truths and more effective ways of being together and connecting.
Far too many people are unaware that their thinking creates their feelings, and their feelings can lead them to judgments and decisions.
I see so many people totally unaware they are thinking themselves out of a perfectly good relationship because they are attaching their pain to their own translation of events and not the reality.
Men and women do not naturally translate each other well at all and so they both become triggered as they assume the others behaviours is wrong.
People who are different are not wrong they are just different.
In fact, people in intimate relationships struggle to understand their partners’ behaviours as they are so complex.
My advice is, instead of judging them and assuming you are right, take a step back and learn to understand them, that way you’ll end up with a better truth that just might free you both to a better future.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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