When you start to understand the real reasons why people leave marriages then you can start to create the solutions that work.
Affairs, money problems, boredom, power struggles, loss of love, loss of passion, loss of trust these are all symptoms of the real problem.
I see so many couples who have suffered for years with each other and within a short space of time have successfully reconnected. Their problems are diverse and their solutions were all different, but they all had the same deep-rooted problems.
What’s the hidden problem?
What is it that’s causing us so much pain and disconnection? Do people just naturally fall out of love or is there more to this than meets the eye?
The real pain I see is in a significant disconnected from themselves when they are with their husband or wife that leads to an overwhelming desire to leave.
The loveliest people in life can become controlling, unhappy, mean, spiteful, difficult in their intimate relationships.
If you watched a person in marital crisis at home and then with their friends or at work you would notice a change in them as they reconnect to themselves outside of the marriage yet they shift back to the disconnected version of themselves when they go home.
It’s like the person puts on a protective armour as they step in the door and takes it off when they leave.
This armour will also come with a variety of weapons they use to control their relationship.
So, in essence, the person who wants out of their marriage is going to be struggling to feel they can be who they really are when they are with their partner.
This is critical to understand because the person in pain has attached their pain to their partner unaware they are the creator of their pain.
Not being able to be who we are with our partners creates suffering that leads to resentments that stack over time. This negative energy creates a shift to only see what’s wrong with the marriage.
I can’t be me when I’m with you and now all I can see is your bad qualities so you’re no longer attractive to me. In fact, I now feel I need to protect myself from you.
This has the power to help the person rewrite history, we should never have married, I knew it was wrong I never really loved you – this story becomes this person’s new truth.
When this negative energy takes hold the person then struggles to see any future that makes sense.
Some people are openly vocal about their struggle and they usually do it a way that accelerates disconnection, or they silently struggle and out of the blue they present a desire to divorce.
What I see is a lot of very stuck people who have lost their ability to be connected to themselves when they are with their partner.
They know how to be mums and dads, they know how to be sons and daughters, they know how to be workers or friends but they have no idea really how to be lovers for life.
It’s so important if you are going to break up a family to really understand what is creating the pain to leave.
So many of my clients discover their pain was real but they were creators of that pain due to not understanding how to translate their own feelings and their partner behaviours.
In my twenties when a girlfriend was upset at me that used to create pain in me. I was being attacked! I had to defend myself and get equally angry at her to stop her.
Today with Cloe I see her upset as a cry for support and a time for me to step-up and look after her.
Can you see how a new understanding in me no longer gives me my own pain.
The sad reality is so many people are leaving relationships for the wrong reasons and with a few important shifts of understanding they can become powerful partners who add massive value to their relationship and their families.
To all subscribers: I’m going to be sending an email to you today at 6.00pm with an invitation to speak with me so if your interested don’t miss it.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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