One of the major problems I see in relationships in trouble is their refusal to give to their partner just in case they don’t get back what they need.
The translation is this: “I expect more from you than I am prepared to give, just incase I don’t get the love I need from you.”
This pulling love away to protect themselves is very common, but has zero chance of working, if keeping the relationship is the goal.
- Where is the growth in the relationship if you both pull away, or hold back.
So the couple live in a stalemate, wanting the relationship to work, but never being brave enough to take the first step.
So what is going on in the couples minds, why would you pull love away from someone you say you love?
Conditioning is the first point. Society has conditioned us to punish when someone does us a wrong so this is automatic in most people. The sad thing is people don’t feel more love after being punished so what they have learnt growing up is now destroying their relationship.
The next thing is fear: They fear not getting what they need. If the behaviours in a relationship are driven by fear then the relationship is becoming distorted and the relationship will drift into problems.
The result is the couple starts to make the relationship all about ME!
As soon as the couple stop giving to each other unconditionally, they will start to trade with each other to get what they need from the relationship.
The fear has created a trading relationship, where “… if you do this for me, then I will do this for you!”
This model a couple adopts will radically reduce the intimacy in the relationship, or will result in it ending, neither is good.
Plus the oldest trading relationship is prostitution and I can’t imagine many couples being happy with that as a model in their relationship.
If you want to keep your relationship GIVE LOVE and don’t make it all about YOU!
Please feel free to comment below…
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Click to find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
- How can we tell if we are heading for divorce? - October 19, 2025
- Why does a woman that loves her husband have multiple affairs? - July 15, 2025
- Loss of Love? How to Save Your Relationship - June 26, 2025