When I look at all the couples in severe crisis who have decided to seek my help they all have similar traits.
A few typical problems they come with could be problems such as circular conflicts, affairs, problems with in-laws, loss of love or a dead sex life.
Whatever their problem all these couples have made similar relationship mistakes that have lead them to their crisis.
So what is taking so many couples into crisis and what do they have to know to make a good life decision moving forward?
1. They don’t know how to keep their passion alive.
If you are entering into a lifelong commitment with someone it stands to reason that person is going to be attractive to you on some level at the start.
What people don’t seem to question is how are we going to keep our passion for each other alive for life?
In the early stages of a relationship, the couple usually won’t have to do much for the passion to naturally be alive. Fast forward a few years and they will notice the passion has changed many are thinking this happens to everyone and it’s normal.
IMPORTANT: It’s only NORMAL for those that don’t know how to keep it alive.
So what do we have to know and start doing and what do we have to make sure we stop doing?
Understanding why the passion dies and how to keep it alive is a critical relationship skill that most people are totally unaware of.
2. They don’t know how to deal with conflict.
Conflict is a critical part of a couples life together. It creates energy that can be used to share thoughts and feelings and can reset a couples energy.
Unfortunately, if both people are not aware of how to understand their conflict they can shut the marriage down or it can shut down one or both people.
Some people are afraid of conflict and some people use it as a means to be right and/or win arguments.
If a person avoids conflict it shuts down honest feelings which creates disconnection. If a person just wants to be right those people usually end up alone. If a person just wants to win arguements then it means there is a loser so essentially they both lose as the loser will be stacking resentment.
Conflict has a very specific job and when understood correctly it will deepen connection and the growth of the relationship.
If you are not having conflict this will kill connection and passion.
If you are having conflict but not growing closer then you are doing it wrong.
3. They don’t really understand why they are together.
It’s so important to create an exciting and purposeful journey through life and sadly most couples don’t understand the importance of this.
It’s so easy to get swept up in getting married having children and buying houses. What couples are neglecting to think about is what is going to keep us passionate and alive in our journey through life together.
So many couples start to lose their passion for each other and they don’t handle conflict well. If in addition, they have no purpose for being together how vulnerable are they to outside energies such as work, friends, family hobbies and for some affairs.
If you don’t plan your relationship how will the future look exciting?
4. They think their partner will understand them.
OMG communication is such a big topic and everyone is failing at this.
Firstly your partner is not a version of you. This means that what they think, what they need and how they translate their world is not the way that you see it.
So it’s not just about how we speak so our partners hears us, the question is how do we correctly translate what our partner is really saying.
Men and women have very different communication styles because their foundational needs that are driving the communication are totally different.
If you are in the dark about these core needs then here is your first problem and why you are struggling.
So if a wife says “… you never hug me!” What does she really mean?
If he knows he does hug her and “never” seems an unreasonable word then she is going to be meaning something totally different to what her actual words suggest.
For men, this makes no sense.
Many women tell their husbands they don’t feel safe with him – he has no framework to understand what she really means.
So when you look at these 4 points above and put them together it’s easy to see why couples would struggle with any kind of emotional connection for life.
This is why I see being passionately married for life not as something nature intended but as something we would all like to achieve.
Sadly growing up we are not informed that being married for life needs life skills and new understandings.
So couple after couple are totally unaware of what they don’t know but need to if they are going to happily stay together.
When I see couples in crisis – helping them breakthrough (their immediate problem) is a small part of what they really need. The biggest part is helping them understand how to remain on the same page with everything that’s important and live a purposeful exciting life as a team.
That’s what creates a healthy passionate life together.